cant title this cos i so bipolar fml

So today i have come to the conclusion that not only are my parents (mostly my dad though) are on a mission to permanently keep me at home this holiday season, but also the universe.

FOR INSTANCE

Everytime I (me, being I and me) plan to go out with friends, i fall sick when the date approaches.

Everytime someone else plans and i think i so free to go cause no family thing no nothing, something comes up or i feel so guilty i dont want to go anywhere (like tomorrow 15feb2013 TAKE NOTE NIKKI)

OR a certain someone will ask why my friends arent picking me up/ why cant they/ why dont they come over if they want to see me

WELL FUCK YOU TOO

i want to go out ba you this

i have been cooped up in this place for so long i think i forgot how to socialize

I think i can literally lose a screw oh if i dont go out at least once every now and then

another thing, i already janji like since forever ba that i want to go tomorrow

why should i feel so bad? if i dont go im still gona feel bad. but then, if i dont i am still gona feel the same

wtf

i KNOW its your anniversary

but its is YOURs :(

argh no matter how i put it, it just sounds so disrespectful

dammit

and im gona feel so bad for my other engagement because i already janji ba

andand

i dont like going back on janji and early decisions :(

i feel really bad

idgaf how many times other people go back on theirs and let me down

one day they'll realise i have always been keeping mine

and they will make it up to me

but right now, i rather just be forgiving

i just dont know how to say it to you without you screaming kurang ajar at me

please la

i dont do shit

in fact, you get pissed at me because i dont do shit

why not let me go out once in a while

maybe you hope that one day i dont keep my promises

you know what

fine

maybe i will just stay home

and rot

and die old and miserable

and depressed

and friendless

and like 4 dogs

rotting vegetation denise. oh yes that sounds about right

fuck man. fuckkkkk

i thought if i typed out everything i might find the solution and feel better

but apparently i feel my conscious side going to dad, while the part that yearns for other forms of interaction is leaning to the other thing

well yeah of course i get other forms of interaction. layan customers who come into the shop, the aunties who work there, my uncles, aunts, popos, akungs, cousins....

but i yearn for the company of my friends. no pa. KREDS are your friends who befriend me to kawan me but still in the end also still always look for you so technically they are your friends

and we dont see them often either

i want interaction with chan, ash, brit, bel, vus, kim, leng, vadee, people i havent seen in a while. got be we all janji suppose to jumpa before we go uni.

but look at where we are

sometimes i feel like prison oh here

everything also mau kana question

i cant wait to fucking get out of here

i cant wait for miri

i want my freedom

might not be much, but i see how much people appreciate it now

how much i appreciate it

maybe i will just stay la. 

and rot my brains

sorry chan. another day maybe

or maybe i go

since already given green light

reluctant green from dad la but still

macam kurang ajar oh if i take option 2

dammit hormones, dont make me cry