I. Am. Going. To. Be. Fine.
Nah, shouldn't be anything bad ba that.
I will pull through and NOT cry.
I don't care
I'm over him
THE RAMBLINGS OF SOMEONE TRYING TO FIGURE OUT HERSELF
Saturday, November 30, 2013
Face your fears you whinny little bitch
In doing this, I might be giving a lot of people an upper hand, but whatever la ish
Ima list my fears in this post.
In no particular order of course, because I am just too lazy to rate em
Darkness (because you never know what lurks there)
Cockroaches
Falling
Heights
An uncontrollable vehicle
Weird sounds in a plane
Weird sounds in a car
Weird sounds when alone
Weird sounds from dogs
Weird sounds
Laptop crashing
Phone crashing
People crashing in accidents
Never getting married or having kids of my own
Never falling in love
Never growing enough balls to love someone in return
Losing my sister
Losing my family
Losing my friends
Having a lethal reaction because of my sensitive skin/throat
Wednesday, November 27, 2013
Untitled
2013. So far the most emotional roller coaster of a year I have ever experienced... so far.
I mean, today is the 3rd death in our rather large family (that I know of), 4th if consider the Jinu's, 2 of which I have attended the funerals.
Its funny. Just before I hear about it I would get extra emotional, but I would shrug it off as nothing.
I also found out that when I grieve, I don't really talk about it. I talk about everything else but it. And I even if I wana talk about it I write it out.
Guess verbally sharing my thoughts is and never will be my thing. Probably why when I speak in public I always need to play a role. Learned that bit the hard way this year :|
Anyway, check this out
http://www.viralnova.com/dog-owners-will-understand/
I mean, today is the 3rd death in our rather large family (that I know of), 4th if consider the Jinu's, 2 of which I have attended the funerals.
Its funny. Just before I hear about it I would get extra emotional, but I would shrug it off as nothing.
I also found out that when I grieve, I don't really talk about it. I talk about everything else but it. And I even if I wana talk about it I write it out.
Guess verbally sharing my thoughts is and never will be my thing. Probably why when I speak in public I always need to play a role. Learned that bit the hard way this year :|
Anyway, check this out
http://www.viralnova.com/dog-owners-will-understand/
Sunday, November 24, 2013
Youth Service in Miri
Lets begin with "I have never gone to a Youth Service because someone wanted to bring me to one."
Okay some what a lie as I have been to Lifeteen... once. After our class party at the beach... Because Bel my transport home wanted to go there first... Yeah... twas fun la. But I'm here to talk about the one in Miri, not Lifeteen.
A lil intro I guess is necessary? Yeah
So this group call themselves "Lightwalkers". Damn cool name
Also they have the chillest members I have ever met. Literally. One of em is my classmate and he is so chill, he sounds high 70% of the time when he talks (Alan).
Anyway, so I followed Jo there because she followed my to church the other day and well, we seem to talk about how our faith in the Catholic Church is a bit doubtful. Like how there are so many ridiculous new things added to the rule book that it kinda seems like we are diverting from the Faith. Idkla I always thought we were a rare breed. Apparently we are not :D so ok moving on
She said that there was this Youth Service going on the next Saturday and it is quite the eye opener for Faith on God and all that and she invited me to go. So me, seeing as she is now considered family (aunt in law), i decided that we should be close friends instead of just "friends", and in order for that to happen we need bonding time. This seemed like a good opportunity so I said "yes".
Wah I tell you
The Youth kan
Punya banyak SOUL in the music. You can feel the passion
The music makes you move
The lyrics touch your heart
The meaning moves your spirit
And in the midst of it all, you can feel God touching your soul, as if He is saying "come Child, come to Me. I will listen to you if you would listen to Me."
After the opening praise and worship I felt compelled to clutch my hand to my heart and just cry. Never felt so blessed. But yeah tears didn't form so I held back and continued to give my full attention to the speaker. Such passion I tell you in these kids
Haven't seen that kind of spirit in the Catholic church for a while
Oh? yeah I forgot.
This is SIB
Yeap
I never knew they were so soulful
Kinda cool
Anyway
After the speaker shared her thoughts and the Word of God, they had a pray over session.
I prayed so hard for strength to be strong for the people around me (refer to previous post point italic 2) that I think I shed a couple of tears. I kept repeating the same sentence again and again: Lord give me the strength oh Lord I do not know what to do oh Lord Help me oh Lord
I do know that I nearly fainted. I think I had what they call a slaying of the spirit. I didn't fall because I opened my eyes and regained balance.
My head was swimming so much, and apparently Alan could see me from behind and he said that when I was getting prayed over, Rachel was fanning me like mad with her hand.
After the Youth ended, I kept fidgeting. No idea why. I kept doing that weird wavy hand gesture like fish, but my hands were separated and well yeah I kept doing that until I went to the toilet lol
Felt unbelievably happy and.. contented. Till Monday when.. yeah
I guess thats all. Don't really know how to end this... I have work in the morning.
Night baby
End of another year in Uni-Life
What have I learned this past year?
Well it definitely wasn't discourse or interpellation or any of those terms which I actually did have to learn from books XD
I learned...
That sometimes the people who you care the most about may not deserve it.
Yeahh... this topic speaks for itself. I'm going through that phase that Freddie was in when we were still in high school. A lot of empathy. Dude. Its to the point I can find the saddest moments in the happiest of movies. Idk I've been caring a lot lately. And well, when I don't get back the love I give, I feel sad. THAT HAS NEVER HAPPENED. I MEAN, USUALLY I DON'T CARE BA IF I GET LOVED BACK OR NOT. I don't know why this semester it was so important in that moment to feel appreciated. But then... point 3 happened. And I realised I was being not myself. Oh and a new word has come to light about my description. Apparently in the caring category, I am pretty noble. Like, wow. Then again, I coined another term: Big sister Syndrome. I basically see Mandy as a lil sis instead of an equal or someone to look up to, like everyone else. And well, baby, you know how protective I get over the rare people I consider my lil sis.
The people who laughs the most and are always seemingly happy have the most emotional breakdowns when they crack (proven time and time again)Yeahhhhhhhh. Those cheesy quotes on the internet have a little bit of truth in them after all. Kan people usually describe me as always happy? Yeah I laugh too much, you should know that by now. Aanyway. The other day idk what happened la but i became really ticked at my friend for not telling me something that happened to her. But its too big a deal for me to ask her why didn't she tell me, so I let it slide. I mean, its the kind of thing you don't really wana tell anyone about ba. So ok la whateves.
Then idk it reminded me of highschool one day and yeah my other friend lagi kept ranting to me about his problems with my first mentioned friend. So in a way, I formed an unknown bond with her, where I am close to her on one level, but unbeknown to her, I know much more than she thinks.
When I followed Jo to the Youth Service in BEM (they call themselves Lightwalkers. damn cool i tell you, in next post kkk), there was a pray over session. I was feeling pretty drained that day and they were all out - (oktoberfest)* yeah so much for wanting to celebrate THAT this year - so I prayed to God for the strength to be strong for my friends when they can't be. Even if I do not know whats their problem, or I do know but they don't know I know, I want God to make my presence to them a kind of comfort. I don't know why my heart prayed for that. Words I could not form after awhile, all I could pray for out loud was for strength mentally and spiritually, and I was questioning God on how my choice in friends is so hazardous to my mental and emotional health.
Yeah it was a very emotional night. I still remember every minute of it. Next post kk ;)
I think my prayer came through though. After I broke down and cried and shared why I was feeling so down though. No, it did not happen that night. I broke down two days later. In the cafeteria. In the middle of a competition which I pulled out of. To Nana. My guardian angel from Niah Cave trip :D
Also ranted to Clinton that day... yeah and he was all "is the pain worth it though? Its not your fault you know whatever they do" And I was like DHRGKGJFNREANIFHRJSGNT
That day a lot of things happened ba. Reine. Mandy. That stupid competition I joined to relieve stress but it ended up crushing me. The return of a Jinu to Our Father. Stress of assignments (balambak that time yg belum siap) haih. I joined that thing to release stress, end up it contribute to my stress pula and gave me emotional strain XD
But yeah la. Gitu la. Since then kan, I notice a change. Somehow I know how to comfort people better. Even if I don't say much or they don't say much. Or maybe I just tembirang la and I suck at comforting. I'm just gona believe that God did something that night because apparently since then people open up to me more. Not much, but more than last time. And I'm somehow getting better at comforting people without actually knowing what is wrong so ... that is an upside I guess? .....
Being apart from the people who usually hang out with once in a while helps me recharge my tolerance level
Over the course of the year, I have come to the conclusion that I am half extrovert, half introvert. I lean more towards the intro though because well, I actually like and sometimes want to be alone because.... I want to.
I constantly float between groups of friends to exercise my intro and extro traits. When it can't be exercised anymore, I need alone time with myself, writing, jogging, ranting to myself in my room, or just emo time with my earphones to recharge myself in terms of tolerance levels and how to keep myself calm. I did that often in the first semester and I was fine. This sem I made the mistake of thinking I could calm myself whenever I wanted to. But apparently because I didn't do it every other day, when the time came that I needed to calm myself down, I couldn't. I ended up fucking up my assignment and also breaking down in public and being more angry in public too.
tsk tsk niks. not good. not you at all
Well, lessons learned. Next year I need to focus on the "me" time and the calming down times.
Meeting different types of people help one learn more about oneself
Yeah thats right. Isn't that what this period of our lives is for? Discovering ourselves? Learnt more about myself this year. And when I say more I mean MOAR. Apparently when I'm grieving I'm damn quiet and I'd rather not be around people unless I have too, oh and I will have a headache and my eye will be swollen to the point of banyak tai mata every morning =.=
When I'm with different people different sides of me surface. Some bring out the quiet, some bring out the loud, some bring out the religious and some bring out the geek. Exactly why I need to hang with a variety of people. These sides all need to be fed XD
Reflection: Complete.
Well it definitely wasn't discourse or interpellation or any of those terms which I actually did have to learn from books XD
I learned...
That sometimes the people who you care the most about may not deserve it.
Yeahh... this topic speaks for itself. I'm going through that phase that Freddie was in when we were still in high school. A lot of empathy. Dude. Its to the point I can find the saddest moments in the happiest of movies. Idk I've been caring a lot lately. And well, when I don't get back the love I give, I feel sad. THAT HAS NEVER HAPPENED. I MEAN, USUALLY I DON'T CARE BA IF I GET LOVED BACK OR NOT. I don't know why this semester it was so important in that moment to feel appreciated. But then... point 3 happened. And I realised I was being not myself. Oh and a new word has come to light about my description. Apparently in the caring category, I am pretty noble. Like, wow. Then again, I coined another term: Big sister Syndrome. I basically see Mandy as a lil sis instead of an equal or someone to look up to, like everyone else. And well, baby, you know how protective I get over the rare people I consider my lil sis.
The people who laughs the most and are always seemingly happy have the most emotional breakdowns when they crack (proven time and time again)Yeahhhhhhhh. Those cheesy quotes on the internet have a little bit of truth in them after all. Kan people usually describe me as always happy? Yeah I laugh too much, you should know that by now. Aanyway. The other day idk what happened la but i became really ticked at my friend for not telling me something that happened to her. But its too big a deal for me to ask her why didn't she tell me, so I let it slide. I mean, its the kind of thing you don't really wana tell anyone about ba. So ok la whateves.
Then idk it reminded me of highschool one day and yeah my other friend lagi kept ranting to me about his problems with my first mentioned friend. So in a way, I formed an unknown bond with her, where I am close to her on one level, but unbeknown to her, I know much more than she thinks.
When I followed Jo to the Youth Service in BEM (they call themselves Lightwalkers. damn cool i tell you, in next post kkk), there was a pray over session. I was feeling pretty drained that day and they were all out - (oktoberfest)* yeah so much for wanting to celebrate THAT this year - so I prayed to God for the strength to be strong for my friends when they can't be. Even if I do not know whats their problem, or I do know but they don't know I know, I want God to make my presence to them a kind of comfort. I don't know why my heart prayed for that. Words I could not form after awhile, all I could pray for out loud was for strength mentally and spiritually, and I was questioning God on how my choice in friends is so hazardous to my mental and emotional health.
Yeah it was a very emotional night. I still remember every minute of it. Next post kk ;)
I think my prayer came through though. After I broke down and cried and shared why I was feeling so down though. No, it did not happen that night. I broke down two days later. In the cafeteria. In the middle of a competition which I pulled out of. To Nana. My guardian angel from Niah Cave trip :D
Also ranted to Clinton that day... yeah and he was all "is the pain worth it though? Its not your fault you know whatever they do" And I was like DHRGKGJFNREANIFHRJSGNT
That day a lot of things happened ba. Reine. Mandy. That stupid competition I joined to relieve stress but it ended up crushing me. The return of a Jinu to Our Father. Stress of assignments (balambak that time yg belum siap) haih. I joined that thing to release stress, end up it contribute to my stress pula and gave me emotional strain XD
But yeah la. Gitu la. Since then kan, I notice a change. Somehow I know how to comfort people better. Even if I don't say much or they don't say much. Or maybe I just tembirang la and I suck at comforting. I'm just gona believe that God did something that night because apparently since then people open up to me more. Not much, but more than last time. And I'm somehow getting better at comforting people without actually knowing what is wrong so ... that is an upside I guess? .....
Being apart from the people who usually hang out with once in a while helps me recharge my tolerance level
Over the course of the year, I have come to the conclusion that I am half extrovert, half introvert. I lean more towards the intro though because well, I actually like and sometimes want to be alone because.... I want to.
I constantly float between groups of friends to exercise my intro and extro traits. When it can't be exercised anymore, I need alone time with myself, writing, jogging, ranting to myself in my room, or just emo time with my earphones to recharge myself in terms of tolerance levels and how to keep myself calm. I did that often in the first semester and I was fine. This sem I made the mistake of thinking I could calm myself whenever I wanted to. But apparently because I didn't do it every other day, when the time came that I needed to calm myself down, I couldn't. I ended up fucking up my assignment and also breaking down in public and being more angry in public too.
tsk tsk niks. not good. not you at all
Well, lessons learned. Next year I need to focus on the "me" time and the calming down times.
Meeting different types of people help one learn more about oneself
Yeah thats right. Isn't that what this period of our lives is for? Discovering ourselves? Learnt more about myself this year. And when I say more I mean MOAR. Apparently when I'm grieving I'm damn quiet and I'd rather not be around people unless I have too, oh and I will have a headache and my eye will be swollen to the point of banyak tai mata every morning =.=
When I'm with different people different sides of me surface. Some bring out the quiet, some bring out the loud, some bring out the religious and some bring out the geek. Exactly why I need to hang with a variety of people. These sides all need to be fed XD
Reflection: Complete.
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