also baby, happy early birthday

not sure if I will have the time or mood to blog again this year so

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO MY BABY BLOG!! MUAH(ew)

thank you for always being there to hear me rant...especially when I can't find anywhere else to dump my thoughts

Twitter can only satisfy for so long y'know

goodbye 2016

Thanks for the opportunity to stand up stronger. I swayed a little (okay, a lot) but I had strong support from my family.
Thank you for revealing to me that I should always follow my heart. In choosing friends, in making decisions for myself. As long as I think before I act, it will turn out ok. Well, mostly okay.
Thank you for teaching me the art of smiling even though I felt like shit. The hospitality industry is a great way to learn that on the job lol
Thank you for the random late nights, and random no sleep nights
For friends who invite and include me in their plans
For showing me that not all I think are friends are actually friends
For encouraging me to be as truthful as possible
For showing me multiple paths
For Amate's friendship. I wish I spoke to him more this year now
For knowing Yaakob's stories. I wish I knew him better.

You, oh 2016, have played the part of being the channel for me to recover. And recover I did. But at the same time you keep throwing tragedies in my face, as if constantly testing me. I am still shook. But I think I'm okay. Maybe.


Thanks for the memories. Even though they weren't so great.

As usual, how we ending our 2016?

Well

Bad news first la kan.

Amate is gone

He was one Nigerian I was proud to say I know him. Not "know" him. But I can say yeah I know him. We're coursemates. I see him around. I know which house he lives in. I know that he goes out partying a lot but he doesn't drink and he doesn't smoke. I know that he is very active in the Red Crescent. I know that he has been in Curtin for so long that almost everyone knows him. I know that he has touched the lives of many, many people. 

I know that the boatman who brought them out on the river was unlicensed. so Fuck you for not making them wear life jackets. Maybe my friend would have survived. 

but I also know that Amate would be sad that we are cursing this man for an incident that was probably out of his hands. We don't know, we probably will never know. Please, I'm sorry. but a lot of us are pretty enraged that this has happened. 

We did not want it to be true

We did not want to accept it

We wanted to wake up from the nightmare and see you going "AYYYY"

I'm gona miss your greetings

I'm gona miss your hugs

I'm gona miss have you around in general. You always have something nice to say. Or a joke to crack, even if I don't understand XD

and then there is Yaacob. taken just last night

why? Because some idiot was fighting with his wife and his cousin was like yeh let's hang in town with my parang

who the fuck goes out for the night to hang out and brings a parang?? What world are you in now? Ketara ba kau cari gaduh saja cilaka punya orang

I'm trying to be strong but situations like this just make me wana hurl or curl up in a ball and cry and wail and then run up a wall and just leave me on the floor when I fall

Please. I can't take this anymore. I think I may need another break.

So 2016, thanks for the recovery period. But did you have to end on such a horrible note?

Recap of 2016

Hey baby
It's been a whole year, I know.
Not sure why I took so long to come here. I guess I couldn't bear the thought of writing with my mind in such a mess. But hey, Lets do a nice long proper update before I get to the sad news in the other post.

Jan - Lie around the house and rot. Tried looking for jobs online, last2I just submitted my resume to Rasa Ria. Got a job there for babysitting since December 2015 but you know la, you don't know until you try.

Feb - Didn't get any update or call so decided to try out stringing under akoi at NST. But after CNY Vina called me and offered me to come in and help with the RRRAA which I thought was awesome at the time. Also I get to see how a hotel works from the inside, yay! Started on the 15

March - Not very yay. With basically 1 month to get everything ready on the CSR and the COMMs side, I think I nearly collapsed under the sheer stress I was hoping to avoid during my semester break. but sokay la, good experience. Started thinking a lot about how life works

April - Brain nearly imploded on me a few times but okay la I made it through. Moved to COMMs after weeks with Saput to get her familiar with the stuff.

May June July - Basically a blur. Became well acquainted with most of the departments, had lunch many times with HR and IT and Reno, occasionally the other members in the Sales team, and sometimes I even eat with FIN. Nice people, though some a little less than others.
(I find that I can't click with these people. IT + Reno ada ok sikit la but these people, they have a bond with each other. I can't seem to bond with anyone.)
Took part in the inter department futsal, not bad bahh we got 4th HAHAHA. Also took part in Dragon Boat racing. My body never felt better. Sore, but it has been a while since most of those muscles felt used. The last time I think probs Shorinji (2011???)

Aug Sept - Ended my contract, and went back to Curtin. Yes I enjoyed going "surprise bitchess I'm still here!" until I realised how sad that actually sounded then I stopped. Also I stopped signing up for events. no money and no interest

Oct - Remembered Aunty Anne.

Nov - PULANG!! Also I realised I was holding a grude against Amir(CYA) but he deserves it

Dec - Started the contract at RRR again. I cannot determine whether I'm glad to be back or whether I'm just looking forward to the money.

An Attempt to Organize my Mind (failed) but whatever, I tried

Mid 2014

- Planned to YOLO drive to Kuching with Reine and a few others. Everyone agreed. Last minute everyone pulled out, and I was like oh okay la never mind. Reine said nah lets just go. In the heat of the moment I said yes

- Tried to make sure everything was okay before the drive. Got 3/4 of the way before tyre exploded and hurled the car to the other lane where there was oncoming traffic and flipped us into a ditch.

- I stayed calm, turned of the engine, took off my seat belt (nearly landed on my head the wrong way) and then proceeded to calm Reine and told her to do the same. First logical thing to do is get out and see the damage right?

- Got out. Got pissed. 

- Reine already calm and making jokes, basically called the whole world. I called  people and then felt like shit. My turn to break down. Began hyperventilating

- Blah Blah Blah, got a lift to the nearest bus station and took a bus back to Miri. Reached around midnight. Nixon picked us. 

- Stayed in my room not leaving for 24 hours. Felt so thankful to not have a scratch but at the same time felt so stupid for going through with the half baked plan.

- 2 days later parents drove over to Miri and picked me up and helped me move to off campus accommodation. I couldn't stay in Lakeside anymore, not with those rates.

- Spent entire holiday worrying about PTPTN (what a fucking waste, cheers to stupidity. I could have bought a car instead) and also Reine. But when I found out she kicked back already I got pissed at myself. Why am I still down in the dumps

- Spent the second semester worrying about fees and grades, went out more often, got drunk more often (I get black outs, NOT FUN. But this phase helped me level up my alcohol tolerance level so...)

- So umm, basically I failed second semester. Horribly. I was not sure how I was gonna cope 2015, especially since I ran for SC and won a seat.

Early 2015

- Went back to Miri a little bit late, couldn't give a fuck that I didn't tell the VP even though Reine gave subtle hints that I should have told. But, just to keep him off my case I tell him everything in advance anyway

- Bus scheduling is a bitch, mostly because yes I can decide shit but I have to take into account whether I am on the student's side or the staff side. Dillemaaaaa

- I'm beginning to realize that every committee I am on, I usually work best on the random shit committee. Meaning, not top 6. I know I am not a leader, I am a good supporter. If I can't find people to do it for me for you, then I will do it. If I can't be there, then all I can do is apologize. I'm not ditching you, I'm just recuperating. 

- Realized the above because I keep getting assigned random committee jobs. Head of Volunteers, Event Day Jobscope Chairperson, Head of Wishing Tree committee, Logistics/Creative Department, Production crew for SC videos (although this I don't mind, then I'm allowed to do the most random shit) ETC

- Maybe I felt a little over used and over stressed. Maybe I didn't rant enough. Maybe when I had my alone time it was not really alone time. Maybe I was too hard on myself. Maybe so many things urgh. I thought I could handle it, but I couldn't.

- A councillor called me the 2nd study week. Then I started sessions. Once every week I would go see her. By the end of the semester, I had come to a conclusion: I was still stressed about the accident.

- The doc said I have PTSD. If it gets worse I may need medication. Thankfully though, I did NOT need it. So I guess it wasn't as bad as she thought hehe. I think I'm handling it pretty well now. 

- I passed that first semester. Things were looking up :D

Mid 2015

- Here's the thing about middle of the year. Curtin gives about a four week break here, between semesters. Enough time to regenerate the brain cells that died the previous semester and recuperate from the stress. Guess what I had to endure in this break time? yeah, dad got admitted to the hospital. WHY? Something jungle related la. (darah anak kampung, cannot resist the call of the jungle)

- Charlie Beetles aka Rove Beetles. Ever heard of em? Here iz a link. EDUCATE yourself, I'm too lazy to talk about that now. Lets just say maybe a few got on his leg and he may have smashed them without thinking twice because he thought it was mosquitoes

- That somehow triggered some form of diabetes or something though because the doc said rove beetle stings have to be waited out but they were giving him insulin because the whole leg looked related to it. I have completely forgotten the name but err yeah he still goes to check up every couple of months la. 

- btw he didn't believe that he had diabetes so he returned to his old diet and boom landed back in the hospital for about 1 month plus after I went back to Miri

- Mooooving on

- Basically, I had only 1 week to sort my brain.

- 1 week to relax, unwind, de-stress from life, and organise myself into a functioning SC member with too many things to handle (yes I am aware that THAT does not sound right but basically is what SC people are and even if they deny it, IT IS TRUE I SWEAR. one way or another, everyone is over burdened with SOMETHING)

- Went back to Miri feeling NOT refreshed in the slightest

- BOOM queue bad feeling in gut

- I could feel it settling and making itself comfortable, I swear

- Event after event, we're all beating each other up along the way because we were all so dumb to put everything in second semester. Quite a few could have been in the first semester but nooo. I personally can't plan for an event I have no interest in or with a committee I'm not tight with, probably why fucked up the Naises (changed the name somewhat to protect identity ish *cough cough*). What I really wanted to do though was a halloween event with a haunted house and all

- But no. Not enough time. Not enough funds. 

- Also I didn't want to stretch the committee too much. 

- My gut was right though, all of us was so stretched. A few really REALLY used ones (other than me) were yazid ($$$), Mandy, Jeck, Roy, Ashley. like seriously every event got minimum our faces <

- Early October. I finally found out the reason for the bad feeling making its home in my gut. Aunty Anne D:

- No idea how I functioned after that day. I couldn't eat right, I went to church that day and everything reminded me of spirits and therefore her. Funny thing is, the priest was talking about hetero vs homo marriages that day. Still trying to decipher that 

To sum it up, I pulled out of the Naises committee a little too late, they all hate me now. except the transport guy. I tried my best to give my support as an SC instead but yeah they most probably hate me.

I nearly failed the semester, but my HOD saved it. Well she told me to withdraw from her unit, otherwise I would be failing it a second time and she says 3rd fail means I'm a drop out. So, okay, that was right before I was going for my second counselling session for the semester and when I consulted the doc she helped me withdraw from the entire semester (THANK LORD JESUS CHRIST FOR THAT)

It took a while but I understand why I get so pissed off now. I understand why I can get sad for no reason. I understand why the little things make me so happy

I think because I try to understand too many things

But hey, never too many things to learn right?

I guess thats another thing I need to RE-LEARN. Patience with my self

2016, happy belated anniversary baby

27 days into 2016 late for a blog post. 

As usual, I try to make it a point to post for new years' because it was around this time of year that I made the decision to start blogging. 

Lets have a recap of 2015, shall we?

okay

so kick started 2015 as a Welfare Sub-Council for the CS Student Council, Learned a shit ton of things in that post

Learned that it is possible to be worried about everything and nothing at the same time, and not just for myself but for others

Learned that my gut truly is a bitch when it comes to tragedies, and if i dont ponder and pin point the feeling i get restless and stressed and everything gets worse

Learned that as long as i have one thing to anchor me down, i can still get up in the morning. but i wont be functioning very well for other things

sicknesses make me rude

more stress = less hair = more zits

healthy lifestyles are hard to maintain

I am not sure what else to add to that. 2015 was year full of hardships personally. Becoming more anxious with each passing day, worried about everything, everything i do seems wrong, and it takes more energy everyday to be nice

I think its a test though. From God (who else right). 

A test of endurance. How much can I take? 

I've broken down in the SC office about 5 times in the whole year, 3 times people have walked in saw me and walked out. 2 times, two different people on two different occasions have asked me how i was. Breaking down while drunk, now thats a different tale. only twice. first time was after i tried comforting someone and another drunk bitch came in to comfort him so i left XD second time was bad. like real bad. i was already in bad shape before drinking and.. yeah

i have a story to tell you my dearest blog. and this post is already getting overcrowded and messy, therefore i will post in the next post. mostly because i have no idea how to make it linear here; i've already mentioned too many things

oh what a happy new year eh. Cheers to starting fresh