i dont need you there

why cant i just go myself

why cant i just go there and waster my time huh

whats so wrong with that

why am i having teenage rage

or am i just that stressed out

You know what? Cookies sound good. Yeah

I wonder if he was serious just now. Hmm

Not sure if I should go for another session or just stay here and think dark thoughts

Not sure if hormonal or what but I nearly broke down in campus again today. And I quote mojo, "cranky".

Everyone is assuming that its the time of the month for me but idk i think its the stress catching up.

I literally felt it catching up on me, I was suppose to have a meditation session over the weekend to cry it out but I guess I forgot >.>

Seriously, I felt like stabbing everyone today, including myself because I was late with preparing for the for the manual voting shit for the booth and fuck this shit I couldn't care less already I was hoping SHE would take initiative to ready it but then she was all "eh no need to open the booth so fast right" and I was already late for my meeting so I went eh then I left and she just left everything and went to class

Fuck. You. 

Then when I came back some other people were dealing with it and oh my god it was getting so fucked up I nearly broke down there and then and then by the time everything was done it was like 4pm and ish no point dy

WHY THE FUCK ARE WE EVEN DOING THIS EVENT MAN IT IS SO FUCKING LAST MINUTE CAN I KILL SOMEONE NOW I DONT CARE HOW JUST LET ME

I can't even handle speaking to people right now, I just feel like shit. 

I should have taken it as a sign when I said on Saturday "I don't feel like being polite" to Mandy regarding a message to the FB page. It was a clear sign that I was cracking, and I didn't realise it.

Coulda, Woulda, Shoulda

sigh

Get your shit together Denise? No. You ain't even calm, how to get shit together

I was warned however that I could have a relapse, and this could be it. But heh I don't know if I want to go for a session. Most of my emotional stress revolves somewhere around money, and I know that. I know the root of all my unhappiness is my laziness, my wastage of money, me owing that dentist about RM200 more because I didn't want to take a chance on the general hospital, being generally depressed because I ain't got no one to really talk to release stress on work and personal life

Most of my friends are either busy or fellow SC members. Why should I burden any of them with my sorrows if I already know they are themselves stressed out? Half of my stress is because I know how stressed out they are. Why on earth do I even care how stressed they are? How do you "take care of yourself before taking care of others" when you don't even know what the fuck to do for yourself? How do you help others when you can't find any way to help yourself? When is the right time to reach out and when is the right time to stay alone?

Right now, I don't know. And all I can do is pray I stay glued together until the end of the semester. I'm pretty sure there is more on my mind but I don't really feel like typing it all out now.

Bye guys. Gonna crawl in the corner and think dark thoughts

IDK man I still don't agree with volunteers having to go through an interview before actually being able to help with stuff. 

I mean, it is a risk that the OC has to deal with no? 

Even if you screen them through an interview, what if they still don't show or pull their weight? You would have wasted so much time

Most people join for the certs anyway, just don't give em la

Give em a prep talk before hand. Make them do stuff before the event to make em feel part of a team. It gives them a sense of belonging to the group and makes them more likely to stay. Loyalty is a very good card to play in this sense

When you make volunteers go through an interview process, you in a way put off the old long term volunteers

And what of the quiet people who want to volunteer? If I was fully introverted but I feel like joining a volunteer program, I would immediately feel intimidated by this and not want to join anything anymore

Like why tf do I wana put so much effort in going for an interview that I might not pass because I have never been much of a people person. Me wanting to change right now won't guarantee me a spot on the team... nevermind la I'll see next time maybe I'll join

 What the fuggedity fug

Great now I need a drink.

18/04 can't get here any faster

Expression is a form of art.
Everyone can express, even if they don't know it.
One doesn't have to be creative to be able to express.
It can be in an action, words (verbal or written), singing, creating something, loudly yelling nonsense
Anything.
One misconception of self expression is that it has to involve "artsy" stuff like drawing, singing, painting, dancing, singing etc. Self expression does not have to be a performance.
Why must you show the world that you are expressing yourself?
If you actually think about it, we express ourselves everyday
Everytime we provide an opinion, when we talk to each other, when we do little things for ourselves
When we acknowledge the beauty in things we do
 If you still can't determine where is this self expression that you do, think about when you feel good after doing something (anything). That is a sign that you have expressed yourself. Maybe you didn't do it alone, it was with someone else; that heightens the expression

Okay take a deep breath.

Close your eyes and take 3 more before you read the next line

How do you feel?

Better?
You just circulated oxygen in your blood. Do you feel alive?

You better. Because this post just went from a rant to a ramble

Already Week 4????

So hello guys, haven't been here in a while
I swear, my Tumblr gets more updates and that is saying something cos all I do there is share my instagram photos XD
but anyway
Here is life now

2015 and I'm in student council. Still not sure if I regret it or not
I do know what I regret, I regret staying over in campus without my blanket. Fucking got sick because of it and only now I'm recovering.
It has been 9 days
But anyway, even though I was sick, feverish and half dead, CYA camp this year was pretty rad. Had a team name themselves "Perghh" which suited well for me cos I could pull a face at them and they would actually try to immitate.
I started a session (somewhere) regarding my academics..... yeah she's not gonna like what I'm gona tell her tomorrow XD oh well. Blame it on the fever.

TBH if it wasn't for my sickness, I wouldn't be behind on my first assignments. I wouldn't feel like talking to so many people was such a hassle. And i wouldn't be as rude to people... and I'd be RM 200 less poorer.

Yes, for the first time IN FOREVER, I actually went to see a doctor, and my medical bill actually reached 200. wtf.
Lets recap...

After I kena sejuk during the camp, I started out with regular sore throat, fever, cough, flu. I was like, meh this can heal with couple days of rest. Then the haze got worse just was I was recovering then BOOM my sickness sort of mutated into this sinus inflammation allergic reaction that blocked my ears (my hearing is still partly muted) and I couldn't think straight. At first I tried waiting it out, I only lasted a day. Got some sinus medicine, still didnt work so that was when I tried out my friend's family doctor. Because she told me she tends to get really bad sinus too and she goes to him and his medicine works (even though it is pricey as fuck) so I went.
So far so good. I wouldn't say money worth it, but because it is miri.. I'll just have to ikat perut for a bit la

As a result of the above, I was unable to finish my assignments on time. Worse part is, when I went to the doctor, I completely forgot to ask him to sign me a MC. Gna have to get from the campus doc tomorrow... I hope he'll issue it. Maybe I can be forgiven? IDK. I only want forgiveness from one of the lecturers XD the other one can give me a bad grade idgaf

So that, in a nutshell is what has been happening to me. oh and I've come up with a new phrase for me

"I live to help"

I have found my calling in life, but I don't know if I can actually get money from doing that...

My journey has just begun me thinks. I've got a long way to go