9 years, 4 months

These days It's hard to find the time to sit down with a book

Or the motivation to write something for fun

Or just to jot down thoughts

Maybe I should make it a point?

I tried digitally, but I don't want any trace of this blog on a computer that isn't my own

There is a reason I don't publicly announce everytime I post something

Because I am not ready

If someone finds this blog read-worthy, then thank you

I am honoured

But one day, maybe

I will put effort into that IG account I made and do a photo blog

Link that to my Tumblr instead of my personal IG account

and maybe

just maybe

I will feel some sort of accomplishment

Because right now I feel like shit every day and there is no satisfaction gained

also happy birthday baby! I'm sorry for the neglect

2k19 the year for change (if I say it often enough maybe it'll come true)

I know usually it takes about  3 years before I decide on a major change in my life (again) but I don't think I can take it anymore

My curiosity got the better of me and I left that job in Beverly to a pre-opening hotel in the city. It was fine for the first few months and then... it started

The voices in my head (and my heart) reminding me that I had made a vow not to go back to hotel work, especially S&M department

and yet that is exactly where I went

I waited a year to see if things would get better (for me), it didn't. So I made up my mind and I started job hunting again.

Just as I was about to jump for 3k at KL, my previous boss from Beverly offers me a position. Something lands in my lap and I don't take it? Denise, you might be dumb but you aren't that dumb.

To be back in an office with flexible timing, casual wear, and small work force, idk man it sounds like a dream. Plus I might be able to get back some free time to work on some personal stuff again (like reading, writing, and hiking, maybe even trips to the island / beach) 

We'll see how it goes. But let's just say that last year did not end on a good note.

2k19 time to put myself first again

Hello 2018: a light in the darkness burns very bright.

Been writing for fun less and less, its getting kinda sad.  tried posting this just 1 day late but here I am, more or less a week late (again) (sorry)

First off, happy birthday baby! Thank you for being the one constant in my life. I mean, social media is awesome, and talking to people too, but I talk to different people about different things, and somethings I need to just... rant it out on a platform... where people don't react... yeah.

On to the next event! Reflection, month by month (2017)

JANUARY

So beginning of this year, for some reason archie was around so he kept bugging me. Eventually he invited me to go to a drinking party w his mates (i was working half day so he was all "I'll pick uuuu", not realising I was part timing in RRR instead of TAH haha anyway

That night was good I think. Reconnected a little with Nat Chan, drank a little too much, got a little too emotional, broke a brittle railing, lost my glasses momentarily, and drunk drove safely home with archie panicking in the back seat and nat chan shivering cos she had the bright idea to jump into the pool with all her clothes on.

Okay maybe it wasn't one of the best nights but hey, I remember only 50%, so yeay. Renewed vow to not get pissed drunk again. Broke my record of 2 years... ah well

As usual, work at RRR w saput esp embrace was fun, I always enjoy those. Also we had DOE first ever inter school talk (Ravi as speaker) in Sabah Art Gallery.

By the end of the month I realised, hey, I got this. I can finish this year strong. 

FEBRUARY

End of Jan was CNY, and I finally reconnected with my Shan Tung side, oh God did I connect with them. They are all huge!! We also gambled a bit, just a bit, mostly cos we were all broke and some players were kids hehe

Marco visited. I've never been happier to see him. I kept telling him to visit again. Brought him to Wild Hogs, and I invited Tatti, of all people.. and saput came alone too cos the meet up was after dinner and saput wanted to try. 

I resigned at the end of Feb as March ish I had to go back to Miri dy. I still feel slightly upset I couldn't stay to finish organising that year's RRRide.

MARCH

Ah. Began my 2017 year by going to Tusan and then after sending chan we (me and bud) grabbed syafi and went back to Koffee Brick for... tea. Yeap. Good times

I think the week after that then we had a small futsal match and that was how our "Adventure Time" group was born. Random dinner dates, trips to tusan and trips to canada hill :) I realised I loved the boys at the end of this month, and that I was really thankful to have them as my geng keluar.

APRIL

Ah, the month of changes... and due dates. Went a little cuckoo here but sokay, alls good. I somehow survived. I did ask for one extension, but that was about it. Grad 2017 was painful to attend but I felt a social obligation to go, somehow I knew that if I didn't go I would regret it. And yeah, I don't regret going to congratulate my friends. It was extra painful though when I met Amate's fam bam. His brother looks and sounds so much like him, I nearly cried. A bunch of us hung with them for awhile, I gave Mal some much needed emotional support, and we took photos. 

On a side note, the after party was lit. Got drunk on free drinks, nearly didn't have a ride home, and uhh got invited back to someone's hotel room to have more wine... but I felt like puking and the invite was from someone I never expected to be happy to see me soooo yeah i rejected the offer and was like "pls man I want to go home and shower"... and to puke. which I did. Urgh. But I didn't black out, which was nice. Here I learned that the secret was to take it slow and not just chug lmao

MAY

This month was pretty uneventful, except for Cyn's birthday, going Ming's before CYA event and Borneo Jazz and Elaine's farewell party. Cyn's birthday dinner was nice, we got to chill and catch up, me and mandy being the 4th and 5th wheel of the activites, and me and cyn connected the dots/story between clin and nelson's breakup. Ming's before CYA event (which I got Jordan to volunteer for hehehe) was half a mistake as Bren got too drunk to drive back and Jer was there. Yeah. Half a mistake. Borneo Jazz was nice, as I finally got to do back stage (while panicking about assignments). Elaine's extended farewell party was a good night, even though bren couldn't come :c it was a chill night, got nice and buzzed with beer.

oops, almost forgot my last Gawai as a student. Fuck that night, I barely remembered it. It began as usual, with the food not cooked yet. So I spent my first 2 hours there bbq-ing. I mixed too many things together and weu ended up home somehow, 6 hours later. My whole room stank and I didn't shower. Probably my worst blackout yet..... Hungover for 2 days, and my streak went back to zero.

JUNE

Here I managed to get DOE Sabah to Curtin, and somehow my parents managed to fit in my room lol so smol that space, I was so stressed.

Semi surprised Syafi on his birthday, but then got stuck with a MAS flight that got cancelled. On another note, met Yazid and Melon when I went to LBN Transit :)

The other highlight was at the end of the month we went to Weston and I got to see fireflies in the wild, as well as Seanna actively believing that it was magic. So cute, I STG

JULY

Met up with Bel and Joanne (of all people), who I haven't seen in years... Good 2 hours talk. Also had a brief conversation with a cute guy who was semi making fun of me and my indecision at the counter. If only we can meet again!

 Finally got my teeth x-rayed, and to top it off I decided that I was going to do my FYP on an organisation based in KK. 

I went scouting lo, went to interview Bentarakata and Changgih Designs. Bentarakata was nice, they are a good platform for expression. But CD jugala I chose, mostly because B was still new, and doing the video for them would require a lot of time which I foresaw that I would not have.

Before I flew back to Miri I froze my butt off with Brit at Huonon Ridge. Highly recommended. 11/10 would go again.

End of the month I was back in Miri, and even though my house got broken into, I still managed to find a way to deal with it. Thank you Adventure Time for being a part of that way. Random breakfast trip turned boat ride and BBQ party at my place really helped, especially with that CAH game X)

AUGUST

Ah. The month of change.

We lost Marco.

For the few of us who considered him a close bud, it broke our hearts. I was freaking out in class. I thank God everyday that Mandy was with me in class otherwise, how the hell would I have dealt? I would have left class and gone straight to the marketing officer who messaged me. But anyway more on that in another post, otherwise this is going to be a little long

Hanley dropped by for a week. Nice seeing my ol pal. Shame Chan wasn't around or we would have had a proper reunion.

Had a semi falling out with Nat Chan, more HS drama, urgh. I ranted to Chris though so at least I got that out of my system.
Also, Ms T made it her business to get into our business, just to keep an eye on us I suppose. Her dogs are adorable.

SEPTEMBER

Ran into Chiew Hui at Ming's, of all places. Bought a happy meal just to collect Marci. Also finally paid off my Spotify haha

Got really emotional on our drinking night for Marco after AT left. I lost I think 2 hours of the night, in which somehow I decided to save 2 black people's numbers before my phone died. They tried calling after me and bren left, but yeah my phone was ded so heheh

This was also the month of shooting. Mini project and Major. Gila IDK I think was semi running on adrenalin and disappointment, but at least my video of Changgih Designs made up for the lack of effort me and Lan Ning put in our online side hehe

Watch Here

Proud to say now however (7 Jan 2018) my streak is back at 3 months. Hoping to keep it going till forever.

 

OCTOBER

Josey and Dani were in Miri this month, managed to get to hang with em for a while (in the middle of assignment stresssSSssSss but how often do you see them kan)

Papa got the abnormal growth cut out, thank God he survived that, and managed to finish editing my video, to the best of my ability. Kinda proud of it. Wish I had more time to review though, cos now I see so many tiny mistakes I wish I had noticed earlier, and they probably costed me marks

NOVEMBER

With the semester ending and final parties to attend, I say not much was really "happening" here. Esther visited on the day of my paper, so I had a good long quality catch up time with here. I attended my final CSS Campus Mass, kinda sad not many people came though. Managed to somewhat pull together a bbq party with Lan Ning in which only Ngu and Jamba came, as well as like 5 other people. I dubbed Jamba as Firelord Jamba that night as he basically came and saved us aha. Then I went drinking with Bren and Brian 2 nights before we left Miri.

DECEMBER

I went to Lok Kawi Wildlife Park, finally, and as usual find the birds most interesting. Although the Ankol was pretty neat as well.

Attended OBS for 4D3N (amazing btw everyone should go if they can)

And landed a job in an online store, based in Beverly Hills. 

Good ending to an Impossible Year, I think.

That was a reference to P!ATD btw look it up

Cheers Marco

Posted this about 5 days after we heard the news. It's about 5 days till the ONE MONTH mark. We all miss you my weird friend. May you be surrounded by adorable doggos wherever you are

"Death isn't funny.

Death is sudden. Death doesn't discriminate. Death doesn't care. Sometimes maybe death will give you a heads up, but one thing is for sure: Death is certain and especially, not funny.

But grief is.

Grief is funny because grief makes you randomly breakdown or have panic attacks when you see something that makes you think and relate to the person you lost. Anything from a cat to a single line of text on a photo
Grief is funny because grief makes you sleepy and tired at midnight but then wakes you up at 3am, making sure you will not be able to go back to sleep until the sun is high up in the sky
Grief is funny because grief keeps you up at night with the many thoughts running through your head, wanting to be let out. Somewhere, anywhere
Grief can bring 3 students who rarely talk about religion to each other suddenly pray together because there is solace in spending time together in the presence of our deity
Grief can bring these same 3 students 10 steps closer to the lecturers they have spent the last few years having classes with. From crashing one of their houses on the night the news was released to having a few drinks with the other (and subsequently being told that we suck at drinking but actually we just had nothing left to say)
Today (well now, yesterday) has been a long and tiring day. I had used up all my tears a couple of nights before so I didn't cry when I said my goodbyes. As I lay the flower on my departed friend, it was all I could do to not run out the way I came in, and then it took more effort to walk out the other way. I didn't notice what cap he had on, I couldn't bring myself to address any of the family members nearby, and I definitely could not handle standing still. I paced in a circle and took deep breaths to steady myself, stopping at random course mates and graduates to either slap their arm or shake it vigorously. Yes they were confused. As more of us Curtinians came back out to comfort each other, I finally caught sight of the other two. I joined the hug and offered tissue, probably the most comforting words I could offer as I kinda suck at consoling
Death isn't funny, but grief sure is."

Death isn't funny, but grief is

I woke up at 2 am about 5 days after I heard about you with that line repeating, over and over in my head.
I reached out to so many people but let's be honest, all I wanted was to hear from you again.
Your irritating fx sounds
Your weird thoughts on the world
Hearing the excited tone in your voice when you start talking about a new show, movie or series that you stumbled upon

I had plans on cutting out some people from my life when this year was over, but instead you have bound us to each other by moral obligation

I haven't stopped thinking about you. And what you meant to us.

I wonder if you are watching us right now, when we break down, can't sleep unless we know we aren't alone, when seeing certain things objects people or animals just makes us stop in our tracks

That dog sized doll I saw reminded me of both Rufus and you. You would love that doll. I'd get that for you for graduation. But a smaller one la, so it doesn't seem odd haha

Death isn't funny, but grief is.

2nd week into final degree year (FINALLY)

How long does it take to finish my course?
Well, ideally, 3 years. 4 if you include Foundation. If you "take it slow" maybe 5?
But no. Me? I took 6.
fuck up one semester and took a break for another.
then due to pre-rec and 1st sem, 2 nd sem designated units I ended up extending longer than I thought I should. But it is okay I guess. Finally here, and that is all that matters.
A lot of new rules, new kind of structures to follow, new face (goodbye ol' pals)
Not sure if I want to make new friends or should I stick with my plan of becoming full on hermit. How though if I have the DOE award to think of? D:
Since coming back to Miri I haven't done shit for skills and phys rec sections. I guess I had more discipline at home XD Less time though

I need to get my head out of the clouds and into my assignments. I have a due date coming up on the 29th and I know my research skills suck balls so I should start now

But I'm so lazy

and then there's my social life. I've been trying to cut someone out but I don't know how. It's like we've been friends so long and through thick and thin, but the rose coloured glass has broken and I finally see how she uses people to her advantage and ignores them afterwards and then after a while comes back and tries to be all buddy again

beb

I cannot live like that. we barely talk. we don't catch up. what we do is gossip and urgh one can only gossip so much. I feel like I don't know you anymore.

I guess I don't really have any friends here.

but hey, final year right?


All I need to do is hold on another 9 months

also baby, happy early birthday

not sure if I will have the time or mood to blog again this year so

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO MY BABY BLOG!! MUAH(ew)

thank you for always being there to hear me rant...especially when I can't find anywhere else to dump my thoughts

Twitter can only satisfy for so long y'know

goodbye 2016

Thanks for the opportunity to stand up stronger. I swayed a little (okay, a lot) but I had strong support from my family.
Thank you for revealing to me that I should always follow my heart. In choosing friends, in making decisions for myself. As long as I think before I act, it will turn out ok. Well, mostly okay.
Thank you for teaching me the art of smiling even though I felt like shit. The hospitality industry is a great way to learn that on the job lol
Thank you for the random late nights, and random no sleep nights
For friends who invite and include me in their plans
For showing me that not all I think are friends are actually friends
For encouraging me to be as truthful as possible
For showing me multiple paths
For Amate's friendship. I wish I spoke to him more this year now
For knowing Yaakob's stories. I wish I knew him better.

You, oh 2016, have played the part of being the channel for me to recover. And recover I did. But at the same time you keep throwing tragedies in my face, as if constantly testing me. I am still shook. But I think I'm okay. Maybe.


Thanks for the memories. Even though they weren't so great.

As usual, how we ending our 2016?

Well

Bad news first la kan.

Amate is gone

He was one Nigerian I was proud to say I know him. Not "know" him. But I can say yeah I know him. We're coursemates. I see him around. I know which house he lives in. I know that he goes out partying a lot but he doesn't drink and he doesn't smoke. I know that he is very active in the Red Crescent. I know that he has been in Curtin for so long that almost everyone knows him. I know that he has touched the lives of many, many people. 

I know that the boatman who brought them out on the river was unlicensed. so Fuck you for not making them wear life jackets. Maybe my friend would have survived. 

but I also know that Amate would be sad that we are cursing this man for an incident that was probably out of his hands. We don't know, we probably will never know. Please, I'm sorry. but a lot of us are pretty enraged that this has happened. 

We did not want it to be true

We did not want to accept it

We wanted to wake up from the nightmare and see you going "AYYYY"

I'm gona miss your greetings

I'm gona miss your hugs

I'm gona miss have you around in general. You always have something nice to say. Or a joke to crack, even if I don't understand XD

and then there is Yaacob. taken just last night

why? Because some idiot was fighting with his wife and his cousin was like yeh let's hang in town with my parang

who the fuck goes out for the night to hang out and brings a parang?? What world are you in now? Ketara ba kau cari gaduh saja cilaka punya orang

I'm trying to be strong but situations like this just make me wana hurl or curl up in a ball and cry and wail and then run up a wall and just leave me on the floor when I fall

Please. I can't take this anymore. I think I may need another break.

So 2016, thanks for the recovery period. But did you have to end on such a horrible note?

Recap of 2016

Hey baby
It's been a whole year, I know.
Not sure why I took so long to come here. I guess I couldn't bear the thought of writing with my mind in such a mess. But hey, Lets do a nice long proper update before I get to the sad news in the other post.

Jan - Lie around the house and rot. Tried looking for jobs online, last2I just submitted my resume to Rasa Ria. Got a job there for babysitting since December 2015 but you know la, you don't know until you try.

Feb - Didn't get any update or call so decided to try out stringing under akoi at NST. But after CNY Vina called me and offered me to come in and help with the RRRAA which I thought was awesome at the time. Also I get to see how a hotel works from the inside, yay! Started on the 15

March - Not very yay. With basically 1 month to get everything ready on the CSR and the COMMs side, I think I nearly collapsed under the sheer stress I was hoping to avoid during my semester break. but sokay la, good experience. Started thinking a lot about how life works

April - Brain nearly imploded on me a few times but okay la I made it through. Moved to COMMs after weeks with Saput to get her familiar with the stuff.

May June July - Basically a blur. Became well acquainted with most of the departments, had lunch many times with HR and IT and Reno, occasionally the other members in the Sales team, and sometimes I even eat with FIN. Nice people, though some a little less than others.
(I find that I can't click with these people. IT + Reno ada ok sikit la but these people, they have a bond with each other. I can't seem to bond with anyone.)
Took part in the inter department futsal, not bad bahh we got 4th HAHAHA. Also took part in Dragon Boat racing. My body never felt better. Sore, but it has been a while since most of those muscles felt used. The last time I think probs Shorinji (2011???)

Aug Sept - Ended my contract, and went back to Curtin. Yes I enjoyed going "surprise bitchess I'm still here!" until I realised how sad that actually sounded then I stopped. Also I stopped signing up for events. no money and no interest

Oct - Remembered Aunty Anne.

Nov - PULANG!! Also I realised I was holding a grude against Amir(CYA) but he deserves it

Dec - Started the contract at RRR again. I cannot determine whether I'm glad to be back or whether I'm just looking forward to the money.