The Absence Of Feeling

Have you ever wondered what it was like to try something new? And that something isn't actually new, it is something everybody has done before. It is a state a lot of people are in, everyday almost every minute someone new is taking the step towards it.

It could be anything, ranging from breathing for the first time since you leave your mother's womb to driving to taking karate lessons to starting a family. 

Yeah of course we have all inquire to ourselves about this. Each, and, every, one, of. us. Don't lie to yourself now. You and I both know that it is true. You know that phase in our life where we sort of "test" ourselves? That is when we do all sorts of weird stuff, yeah thats the stage in the high level

Right now I am probably just entering that stage that most girls enter when they are in high school. 

Love.

Most girls I know start talking about their "feelings" towards a person from a young age. As early as 7 I have heard. I am part of the rare spectrum of straight girls who are still single... for almost 2 decades.

I don't try. Seriously. I don't want to seem desperate. But I don't want to accept any ol' tom dick or harry who knocks on my door with flowers (not that I have actually received any flowers... ever)

But that is beside the point.

Honestly now, is it weird that I rarely have feelings for neither guy nor girl? At this point, I don't even know what direction I swing. I was bi-curious at one point (Thank God though neither of us did anything) and I do have feelings towards the male gender, its just that I never really tell them

I did nearly tell the kid I had a crush on but then he told me he got together with a fam friend of mine so I was like NOPE moving on

When I get hit on I don't even react anymore. The most I do is widen my eyes and laugh awkwardly and then continue the conversation where we left off. Whatever it was.  And these were people who have other interests and we're just really good friends. Seriously.

I don't know man

I don't know.

Maybe... just maybe. I'm not ready. I might never be ready. But hey, 

Maybe when the right guy comes along

When the right guys comes and sweeps off my feet

Or at least melts my heart in such a way that I have never felt before

And we're like closer than close friends

Maybe then I'll let myself fall in love and into a relationship