Tomorrow, Tomorrow and Tomorrow

Tomorrow, Tomorrow and Tomorrow
Creeps in this petty pace from day to day

The beginning of a poem I learned what seems a lifetime ago but still stuck with me all these years. A quick google search led me here

 A poem by William Shakespeare, spoken by the character Macbeth

And all our yesterdays have lighted fools
the way to dusty death. Out, out, brief candle!

Discovering that I may or may not be having an ongoing existential crisis has made me do a lot of reflecting in between work loads and trying to plan out the next 3 months

Maybe I am not ready for the responsibility, but then, when will I ever be if I don't try now?

I know one thing is for sure, I definitely can not handle a relationship right now. So much drama

I was right to delay. In the process I learned that I am Ace and might probably take forever to find the right one

God and the universe will lead me to the right one and make my waiting worth it, I just know to be true. I believe in it. I have to

On the bright side, I went through with the jump ship. We're moving to the new office mid August and the only thing I am terrified of right now is facing customers on a bright sunny day during one of the exhibitions

My biggest regret in 2k18 is not asking for a bigger pay when applying to the city hotel. I knew what was coming, I had past experience. and yet I subjected myself to the minimum they offer and let the job get to my emotions and play my mental health

I wouldn't say I regret working there though. I met so many amazing people in the process and found out some truths about myself. Unfortunately in the process I wore my accidentally wore my rage too easily and ran my patience too thin - that is going to take some time to recover :( 

Not sure if I will ever return to corporate but for now I will make the best out of what I have in front of me

When they said blessings in disguise, I never knew it could come in the form of a work place.

9 years, 4 months

These days It's hard to find the time to sit down with a book

Or the motivation to write something for fun

Or just to jot down thoughts

Maybe I should make it a point?

I tried digitally, but I don't want any trace of this blog on a computer that isn't my own

There is a reason I don't publicly announce everytime I post something

Because I am not ready

If someone finds this blog read-worthy, then thank you

I am honoured

But one day, maybe

I will put effort into that IG account I made and do a photo blog

Link that to my Tumblr instead of my personal IG account

and maybe

just maybe

I will feel some sort of accomplishment

Because right now I feel like shit every day and there is no satisfaction gained

also happy birthday baby! I'm sorry for the neglect

2k19 the year for change (if I say it often enough maybe it'll come true)

I know usually it takes about  3 years before I decide on a major change in my life (again) but I don't think I can take it anymore

My curiosity got the better of me and I left that job in Beverly to a pre-opening hotel in the city. It was fine for the first few months and then... it started

The voices in my head (and my heart) reminding me that I had made a vow not to go back to hotel work, especially S&M department

and yet that is exactly where I went

I waited a year to see if things would get better (for me), it didn't. So I made up my mind and I started job hunting again.

Just as I was about to jump for 3k at KL, my previous boss from Beverly offers me a position. Something lands in my lap and I don't take it? Denise, you might be dumb but you aren't that dumb.

To be back in an office with flexible timing, casual wear, and small work force, idk man it sounds like a dream. Plus I might be able to get back some free time to work on some personal stuff again (like reading, writing, and hiking, maybe even trips to the island / beach) 

We'll see how it goes. But let's just say that last year did not end on a good note.

2k19 time to put myself first again

Hello 2018: a light in the darkness burns very bright.

Been writing for fun less and less, its getting kinda sad.  tried posting this just 1 day late but here I am, more or less a week late (again) (sorry)

First off, happy birthday baby! Thank you for being the one constant in my life. I mean, social media is awesome, and talking to people too, but I talk to different people about different things, and somethings I need to just... rant it out on a platform... where people don't react... yeah.

On to the next event! Reflection, month by month (2017)

JANUARY

So beginning of this year, for some reason archie was around so he kept bugging me. Eventually he invited me to go to a drinking party w his mates (i was working half day so he was all "I'll pick uuuu", not realising I was part timing in RRR instead of TAH haha anyway

That night was good I think. Reconnected a little with Nat Chan, drank a little too much, got a little too emotional, broke a brittle railing, lost my glasses momentarily, and drunk drove safely home with archie panicking in the back seat and nat chan shivering cos she had the bright idea to jump into the pool with all her clothes on.

Okay maybe it wasn't one of the best nights but hey, I remember only 50%, so yeay. Renewed vow to not get pissed drunk again. Broke my record of 2 years... ah well

As usual, work at RRR w saput esp embrace was fun, I always enjoy those. Also we had DOE first ever inter school talk (Ravi as speaker) in Sabah Art Gallery.

By the end of the month I realised, hey, I got this. I can finish this year strong. 

FEBRUARY

End of Jan was CNY, and I finally reconnected with my Shan Tung side, oh God did I connect with them. They are all huge!! We also gambled a bit, just a bit, mostly cos we were all broke and some players were kids hehe

Marco visited. I've never been happier to see him. I kept telling him to visit again. Brought him to Wild Hogs, and I invited Tatti, of all people.. and saput came alone too cos the meet up was after dinner and saput wanted to try. 

I resigned at the end of Feb as March ish I had to go back to Miri dy. I still feel slightly upset I couldn't stay to finish organising that year's RRRide.

MARCH

Ah. Began my 2017 year by going to Tusan and then after sending chan we (me and bud) grabbed syafi and went back to Koffee Brick for... tea. Yeap. Good times

I think the week after that then we had a small futsal match and that was how our "Adventure Time" group was born. Random dinner dates, trips to tusan and trips to canada hill :) I realised I loved the boys at the end of this month, and that I was really thankful to have them as my geng keluar.

APRIL

Ah, the month of changes... and due dates. Went a little cuckoo here but sokay, alls good. I somehow survived. I did ask for one extension, but that was about it. Grad 2017 was painful to attend but I felt a social obligation to go, somehow I knew that if I didn't go I would regret it. And yeah, I don't regret going to congratulate my friends. It was extra painful though when I met Amate's fam bam. His brother looks and sounds so much like him, I nearly cried. A bunch of us hung with them for awhile, I gave Mal some much needed emotional support, and we took photos. 

On a side note, the after party was lit. Got drunk on free drinks, nearly didn't have a ride home, and uhh got invited back to someone's hotel room to have more wine... but I felt like puking and the invite was from someone I never expected to be happy to see me soooo yeah i rejected the offer and was like "pls man I want to go home and shower"... and to puke. which I did. Urgh. But I didn't black out, which was nice. Here I learned that the secret was to take it slow and not just chug lmao

MAY

This month was pretty uneventful, except for Cyn's birthday, going Ming's before CYA event and Borneo Jazz and Elaine's farewell party. Cyn's birthday dinner was nice, we got to chill and catch up, me and mandy being the 4th and 5th wheel of the activites, and me and cyn connected the dots/story between clin and nelson's breakup. Ming's before CYA event (which I got Jordan to volunteer for hehehe) was half a mistake as Bren got too drunk to drive back and Jer was there. Yeah. Half a mistake. Borneo Jazz was nice, as I finally got to do back stage (while panicking about assignments). Elaine's extended farewell party was a good night, even though bren couldn't come :c it was a chill night, got nice and buzzed with beer.

oops, almost forgot my last Gawai as a student. Fuck that night, I barely remembered it. It began as usual, with the food not cooked yet. So I spent my first 2 hours there bbq-ing. I mixed too many things together and weu ended up home somehow, 6 hours later. My whole room stank and I didn't shower. Probably my worst blackout yet..... Hungover for 2 days, and my streak went back to zero.

JUNE

Here I managed to get DOE Sabah to Curtin, and somehow my parents managed to fit in my room lol so smol that space, I was so stressed.

Semi surprised Syafi on his birthday, but then got stuck with a MAS flight that got cancelled. On another note, met Yazid and Melon when I went to LBN Transit :)

The other highlight was at the end of the month we went to Weston and I got to see fireflies in the wild, as well as Seanna actively believing that it was magic. So cute, I STG

JULY

Met up with Bel and Joanne (of all people), who I haven't seen in years... Good 2 hours talk. Also had a brief conversation with a cute guy who was semi making fun of me and my indecision at the counter. If only we can meet again!

 Finally got my teeth x-rayed, and to top it off I decided that I was going to do my FYP on an organisation based in KK. 

I went scouting lo, went to interview Bentarakata and Changgih Designs. Bentarakata was nice, they are a good platform for expression. But CD jugala I chose, mostly because B was still new, and doing the video for them would require a lot of time which I foresaw that I would not have.

Before I flew back to Miri I froze my butt off with Brit at Huonon Ridge. Highly recommended. 11/10 would go again.

End of the month I was back in Miri, and even though my house got broken into, I still managed to find a way to deal with it. Thank you Adventure Time for being a part of that way. Random breakfast trip turned boat ride and BBQ party at my place really helped, especially with that CAH game X)

AUGUST

Ah. The month of change.

We lost Marco.

For the few of us who considered him a close bud, it broke our hearts. I was freaking out in class. I thank God everyday that Mandy was with me in class otherwise, how the hell would I have dealt? I would have left class and gone straight to the marketing officer who messaged me. But anyway more on that in another post, otherwise this is going to be a little long

Hanley dropped by for a week. Nice seeing my ol pal. Shame Chan wasn't around or we would have had a proper reunion.

Had a semi falling out with Nat Chan, more HS drama, urgh. I ranted to Chris though so at least I got that out of my system.
Also, Ms T made it her business to get into our business, just to keep an eye on us I suppose. Her dogs are adorable.

SEPTEMBER

Ran into Chiew Hui at Ming's, of all places. Bought a happy meal just to collect Marci. Also finally paid off my Spotify haha

Got really emotional on our drinking night for Marco after AT left. I lost I think 2 hours of the night, in which somehow I decided to save 2 black people's numbers before my phone died. They tried calling after me and bren left, but yeah my phone was ded so heheh

This was also the month of shooting. Mini project and Major. Gila IDK I think was semi running on adrenalin and disappointment, but at least my video of Changgih Designs made up for the lack of effort me and Lan Ning put in our online side hehe

Watch Here

Proud to say now however (7 Jan 2018) my streak is back at 3 months. Hoping to keep it going till forever.

 

OCTOBER

Josey and Dani were in Miri this month, managed to get to hang with em for a while (in the middle of assignment stresssSSssSss but how often do you see them kan)

Papa got the abnormal growth cut out, thank God he survived that, and managed to finish editing my video, to the best of my ability. Kinda proud of it. Wish I had more time to review though, cos now I see so many tiny mistakes I wish I had noticed earlier, and they probably costed me marks

NOVEMBER

With the semester ending and final parties to attend, I say not much was really "happening" here. Esther visited on the day of my paper, so I had a good long quality catch up time with here. I attended my final CSS Campus Mass, kinda sad not many people came though. Managed to somewhat pull together a bbq party with Lan Ning in which only Ngu and Jamba came, as well as like 5 other people. I dubbed Jamba as Firelord Jamba that night as he basically came and saved us aha. Then I went drinking with Bren and Brian 2 nights before we left Miri.

DECEMBER

I went to Lok Kawi Wildlife Park, finally, and as usual find the birds most interesting. Although the Ankol was pretty neat as well.

Attended OBS for 4D3N (amazing btw everyone should go if they can)

And landed a job in an online store, based in Beverly Hills. 

Good ending to an Impossible Year, I think.

That was a reference to P!ATD btw look it up

Cheers Marco

Posted this about 5 days after we heard the news. It's about 5 days till the ONE MONTH mark. We all miss you my weird friend. May you be surrounded by adorable doggos wherever you are

"Death isn't funny.

Death is sudden. Death doesn't discriminate. Death doesn't care. Sometimes maybe death will give you a heads up, but one thing is for sure: Death is certain and especially, not funny.

But grief is.

Grief is funny because grief makes you randomly breakdown or have panic attacks when you see something that makes you think and relate to the person you lost. Anything from a cat to a single line of text on a photo
Grief is funny because grief makes you sleepy and tired at midnight but then wakes you up at 3am, making sure you will not be able to go back to sleep until the sun is high up in the sky
Grief is funny because grief keeps you up at night with the many thoughts running through your head, wanting to be let out. Somewhere, anywhere
Grief can bring 3 students who rarely talk about religion to each other suddenly pray together because there is solace in spending time together in the presence of our deity
Grief can bring these same 3 students 10 steps closer to the lecturers they have spent the last few years having classes with. From crashing one of their houses on the night the news was released to having a few drinks with the other (and subsequently being told that we suck at drinking but actually we just had nothing left to say)
Today (well now, yesterday) has been a long and tiring day. I had used up all my tears a couple of nights before so I didn't cry when I said my goodbyes. As I lay the flower on my departed friend, it was all I could do to not run out the way I came in, and then it took more effort to walk out the other way. I didn't notice what cap he had on, I couldn't bring myself to address any of the family members nearby, and I definitely could not handle standing still. I paced in a circle and took deep breaths to steady myself, stopping at random course mates and graduates to either slap their arm or shake it vigorously. Yes they were confused. As more of us Curtinians came back out to comfort each other, I finally caught sight of the other two. I joined the hug and offered tissue, probably the most comforting words I could offer as I kinda suck at consoling
Death isn't funny, but grief sure is."

Death isn't funny, but grief is

I woke up at 2 am about 5 days after I heard about you with that line repeating, over and over in my head.
I reached out to so many people but let's be honest, all I wanted was to hear from you again.
Your irritating fx sounds
Your weird thoughts on the world
Hearing the excited tone in your voice when you start talking about a new show, movie or series that you stumbled upon

I had plans on cutting out some people from my life when this year was over, but instead you have bound us to each other by moral obligation

I haven't stopped thinking about you. And what you meant to us.

I wonder if you are watching us right now, when we break down, can't sleep unless we know we aren't alone, when seeing certain things objects people or animals just makes us stop in our tracks

That dog sized doll I saw reminded me of both Rufus and you. You would love that doll. I'd get that for you for graduation. But a smaller one la, so it doesn't seem odd haha

Death isn't funny, but grief is.

2nd week into final degree year (FINALLY)

How long does it take to finish my course?
Well, ideally, 3 years. 4 if you include Foundation. If you "take it slow" maybe 5?
But no. Me? I took 6.
fuck up one semester and took a break for another.
then due to pre-rec and 1st sem, 2 nd sem designated units I ended up extending longer than I thought I should. But it is okay I guess. Finally here, and that is all that matters.
A lot of new rules, new kind of structures to follow, new face (goodbye ol' pals)
Not sure if I want to make new friends or should I stick with my plan of becoming full on hermit. How though if I have the DOE award to think of? D:
Since coming back to Miri I haven't done shit for skills and phys rec sections. I guess I had more discipline at home XD Less time though

I need to get my head out of the clouds and into my assignments. I have a due date coming up on the 29th and I know my research skills suck balls so I should start now

But I'm so lazy

and then there's my social life. I've been trying to cut someone out but I don't know how. It's like we've been friends so long and through thick and thin, but the rose coloured glass has broken and I finally see how she uses people to her advantage and ignores them afterwards and then after a while comes back and tries to be all buddy again

beb

I cannot live like that. we barely talk. we don't catch up. what we do is gossip and urgh one can only gossip so much. I feel like I don't know you anymore.

I guess I don't really have any friends here.

but hey, final year right?


All I need to do is hold on another 9 months

also baby, happy early birthday

not sure if I will have the time or mood to blog again this year so

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO MY BABY BLOG!! MUAH(ew)

thank you for always being there to hear me rant...especially when I can't find anywhere else to dump my thoughts

Twitter can only satisfy for so long y'know

goodbye 2016

Thanks for the opportunity to stand up stronger. I swayed a little (okay, a lot) but I had strong support from my family.
Thank you for revealing to me that I should always follow my heart. In choosing friends, in making decisions for myself. As long as I think before I act, it will turn out ok. Well, mostly okay.
Thank you for teaching me the art of smiling even though I felt like shit. The hospitality industry is a great way to learn that on the job lol
Thank you for the random late nights, and random no sleep nights
For friends who invite and include me in their plans
For showing me that not all I think are friends are actually friends
For encouraging me to be as truthful as possible
For showing me multiple paths
For Amate's friendship. I wish I spoke to him more this year now
For knowing Yaakob's stories. I wish I knew him better.

You, oh 2016, have played the part of being the channel for me to recover. And recover I did. But at the same time you keep throwing tragedies in my face, as if constantly testing me. I am still shook. But I think I'm okay. Maybe.


Thanks for the memories. Even though they weren't so great.

As usual, how we ending our 2016?

Well

Bad news first la kan.

Amate is gone

He was one Nigerian I was proud to say I know him. Not "know" him. But I can say yeah I know him. We're coursemates. I see him around. I know which house he lives in. I know that he goes out partying a lot but he doesn't drink and he doesn't smoke. I know that he is very active in the Red Crescent. I know that he has been in Curtin for so long that almost everyone knows him. I know that he has touched the lives of many, many people. 

I know that the boatman who brought them out on the river was unlicensed. so Fuck you for not making them wear life jackets. Maybe my friend would have survived. 

but I also know that Amate would be sad that we are cursing this man for an incident that was probably out of his hands. We don't know, we probably will never know. Please, I'm sorry. but a lot of us are pretty enraged that this has happened. 

We did not want it to be true

We did not want to accept it

We wanted to wake up from the nightmare and see you going "AYYYY"

I'm gona miss your greetings

I'm gona miss your hugs

I'm gona miss have you around in general. You always have something nice to say. Or a joke to crack, even if I don't understand XD

and then there is Yaacob. taken just last night

why? Because some idiot was fighting with his wife and his cousin was like yeh let's hang in town with my parang

who the fuck goes out for the night to hang out and brings a parang?? What world are you in now? Ketara ba kau cari gaduh saja cilaka punya orang

I'm trying to be strong but situations like this just make me wana hurl or curl up in a ball and cry and wail and then run up a wall and just leave me on the floor when I fall

Please. I can't take this anymore. I think I may need another break.

So 2016, thanks for the recovery period. But did you have to end on such a horrible note?

Recap of 2016

Hey baby
It's been a whole year, I know.
Not sure why I took so long to come here. I guess I couldn't bear the thought of writing with my mind in such a mess. But hey, Lets do a nice long proper update before I get to the sad news in the other post.

Jan - Lie around the house and rot. Tried looking for jobs online, last2I just submitted my resume to Rasa Ria. Got a job there for babysitting since December 2015 but you know la, you don't know until you try.

Feb - Didn't get any update or call so decided to try out stringing under akoi at NST. But after CNY Vina called me and offered me to come in and help with the RRRAA which I thought was awesome at the time. Also I get to see how a hotel works from the inside, yay! Started on the 15

March - Not very yay. With basically 1 month to get everything ready on the CSR and the COMMs side, I think I nearly collapsed under the sheer stress I was hoping to avoid during my semester break. but sokay la, good experience. Started thinking a lot about how life works

April - Brain nearly imploded on me a few times but okay la I made it through. Moved to COMMs after weeks with Saput to get her familiar with the stuff.

May June July - Basically a blur. Became well acquainted with most of the departments, had lunch many times with HR and IT and Reno, occasionally the other members in the Sales team, and sometimes I even eat with FIN. Nice people, though some a little less than others.
(I find that I can't click with these people. IT + Reno ada ok sikit la but these people, they have a bond with each other. I can't seem to bond with anyone.)
Took part in the inter department futsal, not bad bahh we got 4th HAHAHA. Also took part in Dragon Boat racing. My body never felt better. Sore, but it has been a while since most of those muscles felt used. The last time I think probs Shorinji (2011???)

Aug Sept - Ended my contract, and went back to Curtin. Yes I enjoyed going "surprise bitchess I'm still here!" until I realised how sad that actually sounded then I stopped. Also I stopped signing up for events. no money and no interest

Oct - Remembered Aunty Anne.

Nov - PULANG!! Also I realised I was holding a grude against Amir(CYA) but he deserves it

Dec - Started the contract at RRR again. I cannot determine whether I'm glad to be back or whether I'm just looking forward to the money.

An Attempt to Organize my Mind (failed) but whatever, I tried

Mid 2014

- Planned to YOLO drive to Kuching with Reine and a few others. Everyone agreed. Last minute everyone pulled out, and I was like oh okay la never mind. Reine said nah lets just go. In the heat of the moment I said yes

- Tried to make sure everything was okay before the drive. Got 3/4 of the way before tyre exploded and hurled the car to the other lane where there was oncoming traffic and flipped us into a ditch.

- I stayed calm, turned of the engine, took off my seat belt (nearly landed on my head the wrong way) and then proceeded to calm Reine and told her to do the same. First logical thing to do is get out and see the damage right?

- Got out. Got pissed. 

- Reine already calm and making jokes, basically called the whole world. I called  people and then felt like shit. My turn to break down. Began hyperventilating

- Blah Blah Blah, got a lift to the nearest bus station and took a bus back to Miri. Reached around midnight. Nixon picked us. 

- Stayed in my room not leaving for 24 hours. Felt so thankful to not have a scratch but at the same time felt so stupid for going through with the half baked plan.

- 2 days later parents drove over to Miri and picked me up and helped me move to off campus accommodation. I couldn't stay in Lakeside anymore, not with those rates.

- Spent entire holiday worrying about PTPTN (what a fucking waste, cheers to stupidity. I could have bought a car instead) and also Reine. But when I found out she kicked back already I got pissed at myself. Why am I still down in the dumps

- Spent the second semester worrying about fees and grades, went out more often, got drunk more often (I get black outs, NOT FUN. But this phase helped me level up my alcohol tolerance level so...)

- So umm, basically I failed second semester. Horribly. I was not sure how I was gonna cope 2015, especially since I ran for SC and won a seat.

Early 2015

- Went back to Miri a little bit late, couldn't give a fuck that I didn't tell the VP even though Reine gave subtle hints that I should have told. But, just to keep him off my case I tell him everything in advance anyway

- Bus scheduling is a bitch, mostly because yes I can decide shit but I have to take into account whether I am on the student's side or the staff side. Dillemaaaaa

- I'm beginning to realize that every committee I am on, I usually work best on the random shit committee. Meaning, not top 6. I know I am not a leader, I am a good supporter. If I can't find people to do it for me for you, then I will do it. If I can't be there, then all I can do is apologize. I'm not ditching you, I'm just recuperating. 

- Realized the above because I keep getting assigned random committee jobs. Head of Volunteers, Event Day Jobscope Chairperson, Head of Wishing Tree committee, Logistics/Creative Department, Production crew for SC videos (although this I don't mind, then I'm allowed to do the most random shit) ETC

- Maybe I felt a little over used and over stressed. Maybe I didn't rant enough. Maybe when I had my alone time it was not really alone time. Maybe I was too hard on myself. Maybe so many things urgh. I thought I could handle it, but I couldn't.

- A councillor called me the 2nd study week. Then I started sessions. Once every week I would go see her. By the end of the semester, I had come to a conclusion: I was still stressed about the accident.

- The doc said I have PTSD. If it gets worse I may need medication. Thankfully though, I did NOT need it. So I guess it wasn't as bad as she thought hehe. I think I'm handling it pretty well now. 

- I passed that first semester. Things were looking up :D

Mid 2015

- Here's the thing about middle of the year. Curtin gives about a four week break here, between semesters. Enough time to regenerate the brain cells that died the previous semester and recuperate from the stress. Guess what I had to endure in this break time? yeah, dad got admitted to the hospital. WHY? Something jungle related la. (darah anak kampung, cannot resist the call of the jungle)

- Charlie Beetles aka Rove Beetles. Ever heard of em? Here iz a link. EDUCATE yourself, I'm too lazy to talk about that now. Lets just say maybe a few got on his leg and he may have smashed them without thinking twice because he thought it was mosquitoes

- That somehow triggered some form of diabetes or something though because the doc said rove beetle stings have to be waited out but they were giving him insulin because the whole leg looked related to it. I have completely forgotten the name but err yeah he still goes to check up every couple of months la. 

- btw he didn't believe that he had diabetes so he returned to his old diet and boom landed back in the hospital for about 1 month plus after I went back to Miri

- Mooooving on

- Basically, I had only 1 week to sort my brain.

- 1 week to relax, unwind, de-stress from life, and organise myself into a functioning SC member with too many things to handle (yes I am aware that THAT does not sound right but basically is what SC people are and even if they deny it, IT IS TRUE I SWEAR. one way or another, everyone is over burdened with SOMETHING)

- Went back to Miri feeling NOT refreshed in the slightest

- BOOM queue bad feeling in gut

- I could feel it settling and making itself comfortable, I swear

- Event after event, we're all beating each other up along the way because we were all so dumb to put everything in second semester. Quite a few could have been in the first semester but nooo. I personally can't plan for an event I have no interest in or with a committee I'm not tight with, probably why fucked up the Naises (changed the name somewhat to protect identity ish *cough cough*). What I really wanted to do though was a halloween event with a haunted house and all

- But no. Not enough time. Not enough funds. 

- Also I didn't want to stretch the committee too much. 

- My gut was right though, all of us was so stretched. A few really REALLY used ones (other than me) were yazid ($$$), Mandy, Jeck, Roy, Ashley. like seriously every event got minimum our faces <

- Early October. I finally found out the reason for the bad feeling making its home in my gut. Aunty Anne D:

- No idea how I functioned after that day. I couldn't eat right, I went to church that day and everything reminded me of spirits and therefore her. Funny thing is, the priest was talking about hetero vs homo marriages that day. Still trying to decipher that 

To sum it up, I pulled out of the Naises committee a little too late, they all hate me now. except the transport guy. I tried my best to give my support as an SC instead but yeah they most probably hate me.

I nearly failed the semester, but my HOD saved it. Well she told me to withdraw from her unit, otherwise I would be failing it a second time and she says 3rd fail means I'm a drop out. So, okay, that was right before I was going for my second counselling session for the semester and when I consulted the doc she helped me withdraw from the entire semester (THANK LORD JESUS CHRIST FOR THAT)

It took a while but I understand why I get so pissed off now. I understand why I can get sad for no reason. I understand why the little things make me so happy

I think because I try to understand too many things

But hey, never too many things to learn right?

I guess thats another thing I need to RE-LEARN. Patience with my self

2016, happy belated anniversary baby

27 days into 2016 late for a blog post. 

As usual, I try to make it a point to post for new years' because it was around this time of year that I made the decision to start blogging. 

Lets have a recap of 2015, shall we?

okay

so kick started 2015 as a Welfare Sub-Council for the CS Student Council, Learned a shit ton of things in that post

Learned that it is possible to be worried about everything and nothing at the same time, and not just for myself but for others

Learned that my gut truly is a bitch when it comes to tragedies, and if i dont ponder and pin point the feeling i get restless and stressed and everything gets worse

Learned that as long as i have one thing to anchor me down, i can still get up in the morning. but i wont be functioning very well for other things

sicknesses make me rude

more stress = less hair = more zits

healthy lifestyles are hard to maintain

I am not sure what else to add to that. 2015 was year full of hardships personally. Becoming more anxious with each passing day, worried about everything, everything i do seems wrong, and it takes more energy everyday to be nice

I think its a test though. From God (who else right). 

A test of endurance. How much can I take? 

I've broken down in the SC office about 5 times in the whole year, 3 times people have walked in saw me and walked out. 2 times, two different people on two different occasions have asked me how i was. Breaking down while drunk, now thats a different tale. only twice. first time was after i tried comforting someone and another drunk bitch came in to comfort him so i left XD second time was bad. like real bad. i was already in bad shape before drinking and.. yeah

i have a story to tell you my dearest blog. and this post is already getting overcrowded and messy, therefore i will post in the next post. mostly because i have no idea how to make it linear here; i've already mentioned too many things

oh what a happy new year eh. Cheers to starting fresh

i dont need you there

why cant i just go myself

why cant i just go there and waster my time huh

whats so wrong with that

why am i having teenage rage

or am i just that stressed out

You know what? Cookies sound good. Yeah

I wonder if he was serious just now. Hmm

Not sure if I should go for another session or just stay here and think dark thoughts

Not sure if hormonal or what but I nearly broke down in campus again today. And I quote mojo, "cranky".

Everyone is assuming that its the time of the month for me but idk i think its the stress catching up.

I literally felt it catching up on me, I was suppose to have a meditation session over the weekend to cry it out but I guess I forgot >.>

Seriously, I felt like stabbing everyone today, including myself because I was late with preparing for the for the manual voting shit for the booth and fuck this shit I couldn't care less already I was hoping SHE would take initiative to ready it but then she was all "eh no need to open the booth so fast right" and I was already late for my meeting so I went eh then I left and she just left everything and went to class

Fuck. You. 

Then when I came back some other people were dealing with it and oh my god it was getting so fucked up I nearly broke down there and then and then by the time everything was done it was like 4pm and ish no point dy

WHY THE FUCK ARE WE EVEN DOING THIS EVENT MAN IT IS SO FUCKING LAST MINUTE CAN I KILL SOMEONE NOW I DONT CARE HOW JUST LET ME

I can't even handle speaking to people right now, I just feel like shit. 

I should have taken it as a sign when I said on Saturday "I don't feel like being polite" to Mandy regarding a message to the FB page. It was a clear sign that I was cracking, and I didn't realise it.

Coulda, Woulda, Shoulda

sigh

Get your shit together Denise? No. You ain't even calm, how to get shit together

I was warned however that I could have a relapse, and this could be it. But heh I don't know if I want to go for a session. Most of my emotional stress revolves somewhere around money, and I know that. I know the root of all my unhappiness is my laziness, my wastage of money, me owing that dentist about RM200 more because I didn't want to take a chance on the general hospital, being generally depressed because I ain't got no one to really talk to release stress on work and personal life

Most of my friends are either busy or fellow SC members. Why should I burden any of them with my sorrows if I already know they are themselves stressed out? Half of my stress is because I know how stressed out they are. Why on earth do I even care how stressed they are? How do you "take care of yourself before taking care of others" when you don't even know what the fuck to do for yourself? How do you help others when you can't find any way to help yourself? When is the right time to reach out and when is the right time to stay alone?

Right now, I don't know. And all I can do is pray I stay glued together until the end of the semester. I'm pretty sure there is more on my mind but I don't really feel like typing it all out now.

Bye guys. Gonna crawl in the corner and think dark thoughts

IDK man I still don't agree with volunteers having to go through an interview before actually being able to help with stuff. 

I mean, it is a risk that the OC has to deal with no? 

Even if you screen them through an interview, what if they still don't show or pull their weight? You would have wasted so much time

Most people join for the certs anyway, just don't give em la

Give em a prep talk before hand. Make them do stuff before the event to make em feel part of a team. It gives them a sense of belonging to the group and makes them more likely to stay. Loyalty is a very good card to play in this sense

When you make volunteers go through an interview process, you in a way put off the old long term volunteers

And what of the quiet people who want to volunteer? If I was fully introverted but I feel like joining a volunteer program, I would immediately feel intimidated by this and not want to join anything anymore

Like why tf do I wana put so much effort in going for an interview that I might not pass because I have never been much of a people person. Me wanting to change right now won't guarantee me a spot on the team... nevermind la I'll see next time maybe I'll join

 What the fuggedity fug

Great now I need a drink.

18/04 can't get here any faster

Expression is a form of art.
Everyone can express, even if they don't know it.
One doesn't have to be creative to be able to express.
It can be in an action, words (verbal or written), singing, creating something, loudly yelling nonsense
Anything.
One misconception of self expression is that it has to involve "artsy" stuff like drawing, singing, painting, dancing, singing etc. Self expression does not have to be a performance.
Why must you show the world that you are expressing yourself?
If you actually think about it, we express ourselves everyday
Everytime we provide an opinion, when we talk to each other, when we do little things for ourselves
When we acknowledge the beauty in things we do
 If you still can't determine where is this self expression that you do, think about when you feel good after doing something (anything). That is a sign that you have expressed yourself. Maybe you didn't do it alone, it was with someone else; that heightens the expression

Okay take a deep breath.

Close your eyes and take 3 more before you read the next line

How do you feel?

Better?
You just circulated oxygen in your blood. Do you feel alive?

You better. Because this post just went from a rant to a ramble

Already Week 4????

So hello guys, haven't been here in a while
I swear, my Tumblr gets more updates and that is saying something cos all I do there is share my instagram photos XD
but anyway
Here is life now

2015 and I'm in student council. Still not sure if I regret it or not
I do know what I regret, I regret staying over in campus without my blanket. Fucking got sick because of it and only now I'm recovering.
It has been 9 days
But anyway, even though I was sick, feverish and half dead, CYA camp this year was pretty rad. Had a team name themselves "Perghh" which suited well for me cos I could pull a face at them and they would actually try to immitate.
I started a session (somewhere) regarding my academics..... yeah she's not gonna like what I'm gona tell her tomorrow XD oh well. Blame it on the fever.

TBH if it wasn't for my sickness, I wouldn't be behind on my first assignments. I wouldn't feel like talking to so many people was such a hassle. And i wouldn't be as rude to people... and I'd be RM 200 less poorer.

Yes, for the first time IN FOREVER, I actually went to see a doctor, and my medical bill actually reached 200. wtf.
Lets recap...

After I kena sejuk during the camp, I started out with regular sore throat, fever, cough, flu. I was like, meh this can heal with couple days of rest. Then the haze got worse just was I was recovering then BOOM my sickness sort of mutated into this sinus inflammation allergic reaction that blocked my ears (my hearing is still partly muted) and I couldn't think straight. At first I tried waiting it out, I only lasted a day. Got some sinus medicine, still didnt work so that was when I tried out my friend's family doctor. Because she told me she tends to get really bad sinus too and she goes to him and his medicine works (even though it is pricey as fuck) so I went.
So far so good. I wouldn't say money worth it, but because it is miri.. I'll just have to ikat perut for a bit la

As a result of the above, I was unable to finish my assignments on time. Worse part is, when I went to the doctor, I completely forgot to ask him to sign me a MC. Gna have to get from the campus doc tomorrow... I hope he'll issue it. Maybe I can be forgiven? IDK. I only want forgiveness from one of the lecturers XD the other one can give me a bad grade idgaf

So that, in a nutshell is what has been happening to me. oh and I've come up with a new phrase for me

"I live to help"

I have found my calling in life, but I don't know if I can actually get money from doing that...

My journey has just begun me thinks. I've got a long way to go

Christmas Eve 2014

'Twas the night before Christmas, and all was well

Except in this little town, where fewer folk liked to dwell

These people were of various kinds, and TBH they were swell

But the beast in the woods, kinda scary

Spring, Fall, Summer, the folk will be a plenty

Come winter however, and the party goes home

The windows all shut, and the streets lay bare

The noise grows louder in the woods just right over there

"Hush," say the mothers, "Or the beast will hear you."

"They have big scary claws, razor sharp ears

and love little children"

It wasn't a beast, nor were there many

Just one fella there, who can't go to places many

Once feared by entire races, now barely even heard of

Ol' Krampus collects where he is still known

 

Now you folks must have heard this tale once before, 

A passing remark or a tale by the fire

But no one can deny their fear of Krampus

Don't  bother lying, he knows your heart

He's the one leaving you gifts tonight

Beware the Krampus, he'll steal you away

Maybe the Ruten in your house serve well as a reminder

Keep out of trouble, and look twice before moving

A pile of coal is all that will remain if you don't stay nice.