Horrible little lies I tell myself as often as I can

I. Am. Going. To. Be. Fine.

Nah, shouldn't be anything bad ba that.

I will pull through and NOT cry.

I don't care

I'm over him

Face your fears you whinny little bitch

In doing this, I might be giving a lot of people an upper hand, but whatever la ish

Ima list my fears in this post.

In no particular order of course, because I am just too lazy to rate em

Darkness (because you never know what lurks there)

Cockroaches

Falling

Heights

An uncontrollable vehicle

Weird sounds in a plane

Weird sounds in a car

Weird sounds when alone

Weird sounds from dogs

Weird sounds

Laptop crashing

Phone crashing

People crashing in accidents

Never getting married or having kids of my own

Never falling in love

Never growing enough balls to love someone in return

Losing my sister

Losing my family

Losing my friends

Having a lethal reaction because of my sensitive skin/throat

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2013. So far the most emotional roller coaster of a year I have ever experienced... so far.
I mean, today is the 3rd death in our rather large family (that I know of), 4th if consider the Jinu's, 2 of which I have attended the funerals.
Its funny. Just before I hear about it I would get extra emotional, but I would shrug it off as nothing.
I also found out that when I grieve, I don't really talk about it. I talk about everything else but it. And I even if I wana talk about it I write it out.
Guess verbally sharing my thoughts is and never will be my thing. Probably why when I speak in public I always need to play a role. Learned that bit the hard way this year :|

Anyway, check this out

http://www.viralnova.com/dog-owners-will-understand/

Youth Service in Miri

Lets begin with "I have never gone to a Youth Service because someone wanted to bring me to one."

Okay some what a lie as I have been to Lifeteen... once. After our class party at the beach... Because Bel my transport home wanted to go there first... Yeah... twas fun la. But I'm here to talk about the one in Miri, not Lifeteen.

A lil intro I guess is necessary? Yeah

So this group call themselves "Lightwalkers". Damn cool name

Also they have the chillest members I have ever met. Literally. One of em is my classmate and he is so chill, he sounds high 70% of the time when he talks (Alan).

Anyway, so I followed Jo there because she followed my to church the other day and well, we seem to talk about how our faith in the Catholic Church is a bit doubtful. Like how there are so many ridiculous new things added to the rule book that it kinda seems like we are diverting from the Faith. Idkla I always thought we were a rare breed. Apparently we are not :D so ok moving on

She said that there was this Youth Service going on the next Saturday and it is quite the eye opener for Faith on God and all that and she invited me to go. So me, seeing as she is now considered family (aunt in law), i decided that we should be close friends instead of just "friends", and in order for that to happen we need bonding time. This seemed like a good opportunity so I said "yes".

Wah I tell you

The Youth kan

Punya banyak SOUL in the music. You can feel the passion

The music makes you move

The lyrics touch your heart

The meaning moves your spirit

And in the midst of it all, you can feel God touching your soul, as if He is saying "come Child, come to Me. I will listen to you if you would listen to Me."

After the opening praise and worship I felt compelled to clutch my hand to my heart and just cry. Never felt so blessed. But yeah tears didn't form so I held back and continued to give my full attention to the speaker. Such passion I tell you in these kids

Haven't seen that kind of spirit in the Catholic church for a while

Oh? yeah I forgot.

This is SIB

Yeap

I never knew they were so soulful

Kinda cool

Anyway

After the speaker shared her thoughts and the Word of God, they had a pray over session.

I prayed so hard for strength to be strong for the people around me (refer to previous post point italic 2) that I think I shed a couple of tears. I kept repeating the same sentence again and again: Lord give me the strength oh Lord I do not know what to do oh Lord Help me oh Lord

I do know that I nearly fainted. I think I had what they call a slaying of the spirit. I didn't fall because I opened my eyes and regained balance.

My head was swimming so much, and apparently Alan could see me from behind and he said that when I was getting prayed over, Rachel was fanning me like mad with her hand.

After the Youth ended, I kept fidgeting. No idea why. I kept doing that weird wavy hand gesture like fish, but my hands were separated and well yeah I kept doing that until I went to the toilet lol

Felt unbelievably happy and.. contented. Till Monday when.. yeah

I guess thats all. Don't really know how to end this... I have work in the morning.

Night baby

End of another year in Uni-Life

What have I learned this past year?
Well it definitely wasn't discourse or interpellation or any of those terms which I actually did have to learn from books XD
I learned...

That sometimes the people who you care the most about may not deserve it.
Yeahh... this topic speaks for itself. I'm going through that phase that Freddie was in when we were still in high school. A lot of empathy. Dude. Its to the point I can find the saddest moments in the happiest of movies. Idk I've been caring a lot lately. And well, when I don't get back the love I give, I feel sad. THAT HAS NEVER HAPPENED. I MEAN, USUALLY I DON'T CARE BA IF I GET LOVED BACK OR NOT. I don't know why this semester it was so important in that moment to feel appreciated. But then... point 3 happened. And I realised I was being not myself. Oh and a new word has come to light about my description. Apparently in the caring category, I am pretty noble. Like, wow. Then again, I coined another term: Big sister Syndrome. I basically see Mandy as a lil sis instead of an equal or someone to look up to, like everyone else. And well, baby, you know how protective I get over the rare people I consider my lil sis.

The people who laughs the most and are always seemingly happy have the most emotional breakdowns when they crack (proven time and time again)Yeahhhhhhhh. Those cheesy quotes on the internet have a little bit of truth in them after all. Kan people usually describe me as always happy? Yeah I laugh too much, you should know that by now. Aanyway. The other day idk what happened la but i became really ticked at my friend for not telling me something that happened to her. But its too big a deal for me to ask her why didn't she tell me, so I let it slide. I mean, its the kind of thing you don't really wana tell anyone about ba. So ok la whateves.
Then idk it reminded me of highschool one day and yeah my other friend lagi kept ranting to me about his problems with my first mentioned friend. So in a way, I formed an unknown bond with her, where I am close to her on one level, but unbeknown to her, I know much more than she thinks.
When I followed Jo to the Youth Service in BEM (they call themselves Lightwalkers. damn cool i tell you, in next post kkk), there was a pray over session. I was feeling pretty drained that day and they were all out - (oktoberfest)* yeah so much for wanting to celebrate THAT this year - so I prayed to God for the strength to be strong for my friends when they can't be. Even if I do not know whats their problem, or I do know but they don't know I know, I want God to make my presence to them a kind of comfort. I don't know why my heart prayed for that. Words I could not form after awhile, all I could pray for out loud was for strength mentally and spiritually, and I was questioning God on how my choice in friends is so hazardous to my mental and emotional health.
Yeah it was a very emotional night. I still remember every minute of it. Next post kk ;)
I think my prayer came through though. After I broke down and cried and shared why I was feeling so down though. No, it did not happen that night. I broke down two days later. In the cafeteria. In the middle of a competition which I pulled out of. To Nana. My guardian angel from Niah Cave trip :D
Also ranted to Clinton that day... yeah and he was all "is the pain worth it though? Its not your fault you know whatever they do" And I was like DHRGKGJFNREANIFHRJSGNT
That day a lot of things happened ba. Reine. Mandy. That stupid competition I joined to relieve stress but it ended up crushing me. The return of a Jinu to Our Father. Stress of assignments (balambak that time yg belum siap) haih. I joined that thing to release stress, end up it contribute to my stress pula and gave me emotional strain XD
But yeah la. Gitu la. Since then kan, I notice a change. Somehow I know how to comfort people better. Even if I don't say much or they don't say much. Or maybe I just tembirang la and I suck at comforting. I'm just gona believe that God did something that night because apparently since then people open up to me more. Not much, but more than last time. And I'm somehow getting better at comforting people without actually knowing what is wrong so ... that is an upside I guess? .....

Being apart from the people who usually hang out with once in a while helps me recharge my tolerance level
Over the course of the year, I have come to the conclusion that I am half extrovert, half introvert. I lean more towards the intro though because well, I actually like and sometimes want to be alone because.... I want to.
I constantly float between groups of friends to exercise my intro and extro traits. When it can't be exercised anymore, I need alone time with myself, writing, jogging, ranting to myself in my room, or just emo time with my earphones to recharge myself in terms of tolerance levels and how to keep myself calm. I did that often in the first semester and I was fine. This sem I made the mistake of thinking I could calm myself whenever I wanted to. But apparently because I didn't do it every other day, when the time came that I needed to calm myself down, I couldn't. I ended up fucking up my assignment and also breaking down in public and being more angry in public too.
tsk tsk niks. not good. not you at all
Well, lessons learned. Next year I need to focus on the "me" time and the calming down times.

Meeting different types of people help one learn more about oneself
Yeah thats right. Isn't that what this period of our lives is for? Discovering ourselves? Learnt more about myself this year. And when I say more I mean MOAR. Apparently when I'm grieving I'm damn quiet and I'd rather not be around people unless I have too, oh and I will have a headache and my eye will be swollen to the point of banyak tai mata every morning =.=
When I'm with different people different sides of me surface. Some bring out the quiet, some bring out the loud, some bring out the religious and some bring out the geek. Exactly why I need to hang with a variety of people. These sides all need to be fed XD

Reflection: Complete.

2013 semester 2

Reine finally made it to Degree! lol biggest joke of the year haha
New classmates whom we hang with include convert from engineering Alan Gian, Spotlight runner up Clinton Chua and the occasional Benard Ling
All three may I add are like the epitome of holiness.
And by that I mean  active in church XD
Currently we are having a swear jar that Mandy is suffering the most from
and people are getting on my nerves again
I can only stand talking to a few people nowadays
Reine, Clinton, CSS members, myself, God
Alan is cool and all, but I prefer being in silence with him. But hes always good for a laugh. sounding high and all that shiz haha
Benard.... yeahhhh lets just say I dont want to start on that topic
I cant man
I just cant
So sick of drama
So sick of using so much money also
its like GURL YOU THINK YOU RICH ISIT
HAIH
 and now rufus again ada hal
ish
ish
*wipes tears*
*plays terrified on repeat*
I just
I just thought
things would be different
Not about being lazy though, i know im lazy. I think its getting worse and yet somehow better though.
I notice i panic more on group assignments. Individual ones I more or less dgaf anymore
not good
at all
individual carries more marks
ish
NIKKI WHATS WRONG WITH YOU
I went back for the 1st free week the other day
best solitude i could ask for
but at the same time, I was craving the company of people i havent seen in a while. like bel vadee, oh and fred. i miss talking to fred so much
and ash
baby if you are reading this I just want you to know that i love you, and we need to meet up as soon as possible kay <3 :="" p="">Sometimes even when im hanging with the people i mention above (the curtinians), i still feel so lonely and left out.
maybe its just me
idk
but the feeling of being lonely in a crowded room is so sad
I thought i was over this. Maybe wrong crowd again?
And talking to vus doesn't and would not cure me of this sadness
because bakar might be there
and i don want him to know my life
urgh
I have a somewhat poetic soul ok. i just dont like talking about it
reasons why i write.
who do i talk to when no one listens or isnt there to?

Dysfunctional just like me

So the saying goes "like dog like owner"right?

I never knew how true this could be

until my dad called just now

threathening to kill rufus

apparently he bit seanna. and now shes afraid of all the dogs

one thing though, hes staying out of house now

but  it does bring the question:

Why the sudden change?

Puberty? impossible. we got rid of that. unless this is a reaction of dogs with lack of hormones....highly doubt that though

I mean, hes about 1.5 human years dy. that puts him around 14? 15 dog years

the oddball stage

I remember I always told people, "He only bites you if he likes you"

I still stand by that statement

I wish it wasnt true though

My arms are officially ruined because of dog saliva (yes apparently if i dont wash my hands immediately after touching them i get horrible rashes and it swells and it gets really itchy like sandfly bites)

anyway moving on

I need to find him a new home.

someone who'll let him in the house, and let him out only to go pee and poop, that kinda thing

know anyone?

:( Why am i asking here

no one reads this anyway

ima go cry now as i write a really distracted essay

Hunger Games Trilogy - Opinion and analyses (spoilers alert)

I've finished it.
Finally after 48 hours of non-stop reading I finished the last two books of the Hunger Games Trilogy.
I feel a sense of accomplishment (hurrah!)
Anyway, so my thoughts.

Very good start. Very good storyline. The back stories that ultimately back up the reason why the character acts that way is also very good. Sure everything is basically from Katniss's POV but hey I ain't complaining. She has a mind I can relate to. We have more in common than I care to admit, but yeah I admit it.
Katniss: Family above all. Extremely protective of sister. Only tried liking the cat because Prim adores him. Loves music because of her dad. Decided that Peeta was the one for her because she decided that she needs someone who can calm her down, not make her anger worse like how a Gale does it. But it doesn't matter with Gale, he's the bestfriend (ooooh friendzone!!) Doesn't see much of herself except in hunting. Loves cheesebuns.
OH HOW I LOVE CHEESE BUNS
Gale: Family above all. Loves Katniss because of their mutually drive to survive, protect each other and take care of their families. He is the reason Katniss get confused because to her, he was her hunting buddy. Her bestfriend. Someone she could always count on. But then again, Gale is also the type to be a little hot headed.
Peeta: Baker. Loved Katniss even before he spoke to her. Not to underestimated, especially when Katniss comes into the scene. Loving, sweet, likeable. Devoted his life in the Games to protect her as she did too.
Haymitch: DRUNKEN MASTER INDEED. More capable of doing things when he obviously sober, but even when drunk he knows his limits and still can be counted on. He was the rebellious mentor who mentored the face of the rebel symbol
Primrose and Mother: Both Healers. Both had a natural gift in this retrospect. Prim grew up a little too fast in the sense that she saw way too many things that a little girl usually doesnt see growing up. Mother has gone through a lot of grief, having lost husband and one of her daughter's and nearly losing one to insanity too.

These are who I consider the main characters who basically revolve around Katniss and the storyline. They have the highest influences I think and also they didn't die. supporting characters that appear later on are also quite interesting. Bogg, Snow, the other Tributes (old and new), Coin, the Avoxes, well everyone.
I think I did a lot of reflection when I read this series.
I felt pain
I cried when Katniss yelled at the cat that the person that they mutually loved died
I was sad when she pushed away her bestfriend and slowly fell for the guy who saved her life by giving her bread
Sadder when her hopes were lifted when they brought him in from the Capitol all Jacked and delirious and he hated her
Depressed everytime she fell into one
I mean, I understand why she fell into one. She went through a lot. I just don't know why I relate to her so much
I didn't go to the Hunger Games
I don't have 2 guys that I can't seem to make my mind over
My family and friends aren't dead (thank God)
We don't have a power crazy I-will-shit-on-all-things-good dictator
And I definitively don't and won't be some kind of symbolic thing to give masses some kind of hope.
I can barely give advice! I usually just try to respell the situation out again and let that person decide again what to do.

But I can say this
I love my sister to bits too, and I am afraid of losing her to the dangerous world out there
I am always confused about what people think about me. Whether they like me or not, in what way, etc.
I can be rude if I snap, am tired, I don't care, or if I just plain don't like you
I like finding out what is actually happening.
I can't plan things. They never happen XD

So yeah. Me relating to Katniss's situation is mostly because of the sister factor. The protective feeling towards kids smaller than me, especially if they take a liking to me.
Is that like a kind of natural instinct for an older sister to have? Because I can see it in some of my other friends who are the eldest child and have younger siblings. Some la. Not all.

I should rant about books more often. Makes my blog look like I actually have something nice to say haha

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I hate hate absolutely hate drama
Here's the thing
I can be dramatic. Yes I admit it. I love being taught by dramatic teachers, in fact, the more dramatic the better. So long as they make sense.
I love surrounding myself with people who intentionally over react, people who don't care where they are, if they want to be loud they will.
And taking a look back on my life, most of my friends are like that.
But somehow, the ones I met here.
In university
Their dramatic side is through and through. Like it defines the way they think to the point that it can cloud their minds and twist reality. Really scary shit right there.

And now I say the phrase that I have been saying ever since I got to uni...

"What kind of friends have I made?..."

I honestly have no idea

I've lost the power to de-stress myself

Never under estimate the effect of talking to yourself.
It can make you feel worse than before, or slightly better.
Also, never under estimate the power of walking around to destress. or running. they do wonders for you, and your stress level goes down
But then again, never over estimate it either.
I did today.
And I have never been so wrong.

Let me tell you about my day...
Belinda isn't back till tomorrow so I decided hey, I promised myself this year that whenever I can I shall go to mass. Even if it means attending St.Jo's. I followed the CSS bus. Haven't done so since last year. Apparently they have a name list now XD ok anyway
I felt so offside in mass. Like wtf.
The feeling of doom and gloom wouldn't leave me at all. They even had the song "As the deer longs for the water" (I think thats the title omg i forgot dy) which is one of my favourite songs, I still felt so down and like everything was so wrong
I kept praying out of context with the mass which is highly unlike me
My head has never been bowed for so long without me accidentally falling asleep. A new accomplishment if I might so boldly say ;) but then again. That feeling.
So I prayed asking God to help me understand why I felt like that.
I asked God to heal me, I asked God to protect everyone I loved especially Seanna. And also to help Nixxon feel again (long, not my story to tell, story)
When I reached lakeside, I had a discussion with  myself and God and I. I decided I wanted to tell CSS at the next sharing session about how I felt like I'm in some kind of depression and I think it has been around me since last sem
But halfway through, I realised I was taking too long and my words were all jumbled.
I couldn't speak a sentence right
It was  then that I realised, I didn't have faith in God at all last sem. I cried out for help in coping with my sadness but it was all in vain as I took him for granted instead of relying on Him constantly
My brain sort of imploded and I felt like crying
Didn't cry
So i decided i want to go for a walk. run a bit. sweat a bit
didn't work either
I feel just as sad, perhaps worse
I don't know man. Something is wrong with me.
I can feel it
But I don't know what is it
I can't pin point it
But I need to talk about it to someone
But who? Where do I start? How do i start? Or shall I just make an appointment with the campus pssych? She might be of some help
No wait
No. I will not do that to myself
Not yet
Why is it so hard for me to talk about my feelings?? Dammit

God help me I don't know what to do anymore